That Books Should Find Hollow Spaces To Fill

my suit catches
fire again
on closed circuit
television
the lens fails to capture
the texture of my
textile reminder
to find
the expression
the respect for dissection
sharp instruments
and destination gasses
in the
repetition frames
glazed with the
space bar
drinks in the afterzone
blanketed by
astral girls
and stars like pearls
exploded across
dimensions
that we wasted
we were trying to find anything
anyone left
who was living
before
we stuffed any one
into the ovens or the homes
and forgot them
(bang)
white lights
explosions
hello...?
just pick up
just a voice to ease the pain
just another bout
of wrongful information
terminated while receiving
broken interception
discovered covered with blood
upon
disco very tired to train the same
but the name is scrubbed
until your are lone
until you are done
until you turn into a butterfly
or a dove
or just left like a piece of felt
mashed into the mud
totally submerged and
numb another number on a bullet
in a gun measured out in cups
no more pain
the gods are coming again
the ship is done
it only comes to take one
like some floating balloon
off to the moon
when I thought the clock
had come to take me
a vow to the silence
dream avoidance
and the screams
of the last light
-------------------
(unfinished)

Still Beating / Moving, Counting

isn't that what we all want?
a hand to hold
us in the darkness
someone close
who we surely know
will protect us.
not to be alone
in a cage
but full of love
and to be saved
from whatever loss
might be in store
and the coldness of the winter
and those whose lives
it helps endure
a little sunlight
I bring to you
I don't know
your name
yet but someday
soon
a new name
an old game
to play again
and some new heart
to fill with love
I surely still
have to give again.

Xmas is here! / Art is near! / Kitties are dear!

Ev'ry Time We Say Goodbye A Little

These last two are the last pictures I ever took of Tweed and I together. The first one is really the last time we got to play, taken late Sunday evening. He used to do the cutest thing and pull my hand towards his chest with one paw when he was feeling better and let me rub his tummy-this is the last time I got to do that with him although my hand is out of camera sight, it is lying gently more against than 'on' so I didn't add any unnecessary weight. It had been a while since he had done this particular behavior so Sunday night, the last night he seemed to be hanging in there, I got out my camera. I got out my phone. I took copious pictures. Tweed managed not only to tolerate me snapping in his face(on silent mode of course) and taking several videos, including what turned out to be his final vocalizing, taken Saturday night. I will forever be thankful to Robert for not only being my pillar through all this, covering the financial aspects and being with me tuesday. If he hadn't suggested this I would have been so wrapped up in the 'now' I wouldn't have had any space to think about recording anything. I even managed to capture something I rarely did on film which is him swishing around his little paw in his water bowl before drinking. IN all these years I had never managed to get a shot. He somehow was actually strong enough to stand on three legs(he wobbled a lot though) with one paw in the water, then in his mouth, then back in the water until he finally felt safe to drink. more is coming but i am out of energy to write anything else tonight

For Tweed - part I

I only want you to rest
no heaviness or painful hungering
no dull ache
in your chest
thousands of memories
cheerful times
and joyful
declivities
with so many in back
and so few left
to go
I call your name
and think of good times
again
you
as a kitten
small, shy
the last of your
band of brothers
to find somewhere
forever
for keeping my chair warm
the merry go round cat
who loved Loved LOVED
being spun around in chairs
until literally dizzy
then he'd jump back in and say
"lets do it again!"
the funniest habit of
swishing his paw around in the water
bowl until deciding it was
'Tweed approved"
and then drinking normally.
it won't be the same christmas without you and your
brother josquin who will
forever have a home on my tree
you have both
forever changed
the course and length of my life
for all your howling yowling
and endless meowing
you maybe never knew this
but you felt it
that you kept me from killing myself
back in 2007,
and all of 2005
when we all moved together
and put up with some really odd situations
and you were with me
through all of it
and you still loved me
even when I moved
again and
again.
you made friends with dogs!
My sisters two yappy little ones
but you soon won them over
even 'sleeping with the enemy'
when I was out of town
you could make friends with anyone
who would give you a chance
and we'd dance around the room
like two fools
listening to Squeeze sing
"Cool For Cats"
Josquin taught you to talk
but you did it your own way
and never has a cat sounded more
like a cranky old man
than you did.
you started off as "Speedy"
which I hated,
Lee named you Tweedy
as in Tweedy Bird
which I thought was lame
and so Tweed you became
a little old sounding man in a tweed coat
and the prettiest green eyes
I've yet seen on a cat
a rambunctious funny chittering cat
who was virtually never ill
until almost the end
I want nothing for you
other than the most happiness
and barring that, the least suffering.
I know its time because you are not your old self
your eyes are dimmed and I know your constant
pacing and movement indicate discomfort
I think not about how much time is left
but of how much time we've had
and in the inbetween time
When you see your old friend and brother Josquin
there is plenty of grass
to run in again
lot of toys
and the BEST snacks
So its not ever goodbye
its until we meet again
old friend.
--------

Cats are reincarnated Gay men

Only Love Keeps Us Alive

until it circles back
and we all
are fire
angels in
some grand
parade

Between Everything And Nothing Is The Absolute

where the directionless
wandering
which way does
the wind blow
does it take
100,000 glasses
wine, blood or memories
to bring
a blush
to the snow
rotund and white and dormant
like huge some
monumental Christo
sculptures made
out of air
looking at
sideways
escaping passes
of fair flames
hot orange snakes
and pain
that washes away
if I could
there would
be more harmony
more minutes
less deleted scenes
can't you see
everything that happens between now
and this
is captured
in dreams
or in colors
lost in a
forgotten breeze
last rites
last nights rescinded
the hand ticks one more
over and then
never will
it tick in time
again.

Cat Foods

There are a lot of cat foods, wet ones in particular, that feature phosphorus as a ingredient even though its terrible for cats with low kidney functioning. Oddly enough its seems its the 'holistic' and all natural ones that often feature this-plus it is often added as a vegetable matter preservative even though cats are obligate carnivores and don't process any real nutritional value from vegetable matter. So when you see foods that have peas, carrots, green beans they generally have higher levels of phosphorus added in the mix. Same goes for Fish based foods, its loaded with them. Which is why I will never feed my cats tuna out of can EVER again even as a treat. Water from the tuna(not oil) is okay poured over other dry kibble foods at a treat but no more of the tuna itself, even low sodium varieties.

Questions for Dr. Ina

1. he is now experiencing what appears to be diarrhea and a slightly sore or irritated anus. Is this because he is still dehydrated or from the antibiotics? If it is should he be on Mitranidizole to keep that under control. It seems like the treatment may keep him dehydrated if it persists since is he eating/drinking so little.

2. Should I be looking for way to make him eat? is it better that he eats a certain amount of food? I know he is weak and part of his bathroom trouble is around being too weak. He pooped on the bathroom floor and on my bed today. Is this "overflow incontinence"? I have a feeling it is because is is too weak/constipated or still dehydrated. Is it possible that the kidney infection came from a UTI? if so would that be kick using the same antibiotic?

3. Since lack of appetite from the pain of the infection has kept him from eating, Would putting him a low does of steroids boost his appetite without hurting him?

3. Ask about what the final stages of kidney failure will look like so I can avoid any unnecessary or prolonged pain. Other than obvious physical signs like crying or deep breathing, what should I look for?

as of today he is still cleaning, still purring. His eyes and ears look okay. I shove his favorite treats at him every time I interact with him. he has eaten at least three teaspoons full of treats today. I gave him some this morning. Mark gave him some this afternoon while he was upstairs, I gave him some this afternoon in my room and then he ate about 6 or 7 when he got his evening fluids. I just gave him 3 more now. I measured out that many into an empty fancy feast can and it just about fills it up. Plus I gave him some fresh ground turkey(first time ever) just to see if he would take some. He did, about 3 thimbles full by my eye. I am guessing that he has eaten about 1+1/4 cans of food. He licked a few times in the wet fancy feast tuna but didn't touch it after that. Maybe tomorrow I will try the packaged low sodium tuna and see if that works. Heck, I am just trying anything at this point. anything....

Meh...

This is so hard dealing with Tweed being sick, knowing that every night I spend with hi next to me in bed may be his last, after already losing Josquin and then Mack. Its too much at once. I know that is how life comes at you and I should put on my big boy pants but I just want to crawl into a corner and make all the bad stuff...I don't know...somehow less achingly sad? Thinking about food and work and timing Tweed's meds, projects on the go, job hunting which is just sucking balls right now. I had a nice phone conversation with a man at Kohler, who was recruiting people willing to relocate(not paid for) to a unpaid internship. He jokingly said "If I have to sift through another 3,000 resumes I'll keel." "really, 3,000?" I said. "well, actually its closer to 3,200-something but its sucks because now EVERYONE is overqualified because people that were formerly white collar are now after essentially blue collar jobs, so you get stuff like lawyers trying to work as secretaries, programmers used to making 6 figures now going for administrative jobs making $60,000. Kind of scary."

Babe...I'm just hanging on a clock. without you..I shudder to think....really terrifying.

Mr. Mooshy Face

Note to Self II

"Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for." -Epicurus

Feels Like 100 Centuries Of Darkness Coming

walking fast
breathing quick
never going to get up
from this daydream/nighttime
pull the blankets tight time
taking a lick and ticking away
I can hear my breath inside
whispering/hammering that everything
will be
alright
someone is coming
holding boxes
being outfoxed
being out run
in the race between times
when there is blood on your shoulder
and another year of age has taken hold

breathing in quick
the cold is coming fast to hold your sleeve
beating fast
and breathing my way nightmares out of here
a beacon to claim
a beacon to calm
something for me
to remember
in the midst of the worst
storm in 17 centuries
centurions fight
on the banks of the river of midnight
rolling in sand
reprimand in hand
not to forgive you
to forgive you
for not being prefect
again, for not being perfect
for not saving me...
and the lesson learned
when your cry is silent
and I lay up nights desperate
and perturbed
full of stars and
sadness that we've
visited before

Tweed, Sending out good energy to you....

Well, Tweed is at the vet tonight. I think this is the first time He has been away all night without me so he probably scared. Fuck...I'M scared. Vet said he is indeed under weight. When he was in there in August 31st he weighed 10.4 lbs. Today he weighed only 9 lbs. That is a huge difference in just under three months. One kidney is swollen and he had some poop on his rump and paws. Signs that he is too tired/weak/sick to clean himself or go the bathroom without effort. I had sensed he was wobbly a day ago and thought it might have been because he had just woken from a nap. Combined with the lethargy and bathroom issues, lack of eating and general change in demeanor I just knew something was wrong. He had to go in but it just shot the whole day, and though Bart was cool, I feel shitty for delaying the project on a day we could have worked a whole day. Blood and Urine Tests tomorrow probably, maybe x-rays....sigh.

In a boat without a mast again, trapped in a time without time, between time. Suddenly everything is slowed down. time stops but, in a matrix-like fashion, some things are running on their own systems. Going through Josquin's old medications last night just set me off and today didn't help, being torn in so many directions and so by so many degrees. I just couldn't deal at the vet. I could barely keep it together and thought when I was finally able to go, that I could get outside, dawn my dark glasses and cry a little(ok, a lot) but when I finally got outside, it was overcast, dark and the air was moist with low fog. Glasses would make me virtually blind. fuck it, I'll just walk through the park and cry...so that is what I did. the nice thing about GG Park is there are a number of places to step off the well trodden path and smoke something. I realized it was either that or bump into another tree because I was crying so hard I couldn't see straight. I finally got it together when I hit the pan handle and came across a huge group of quasi homeless folks, street freaks and Occupy This Sidewalk Park people and I remembered where I was.

I went to Amoeba records to just look around. I thought some low grade retail therapy would help. There is a new re-issue of a single by morrissey with unreleased demo as a b-side I picked that up used and bought "the Crazies" a horror film from a few years back I wanted to see but was unwillingto fork out $20/popcorn for it. $3.99 however is a lot better and seeing as I really needed something to take my mind off things, nothing works like an off the wall post apocalyptic disease/zombie movie set in a small town. Well, that and some rum and coke, some herb and lots and lots of cleaning, washing, totally cleaning my curtains and redesigning my window treatment. Matt Johnson...sell me some wisdom, baby...

"No more blood
and no more pain
in our
kingdom of rain"

Today I finally bought myself some razors, paper towels and sponges. Bought a pretty cool antique looking Marconi style light bulb at Cliff's for my super tall triangle stand lamp. Now I just need to get a shade for it. I should just buy a cheap used harp and find some wire and make my own shade. Something modern with clean lines. I was thinking tall and cylindrical with some cool cut outs so it throws a pattern on the wall. (stop me if it sounds like I am going to clutch my hands, gasp and make a scrunched up face...where is my fucking NYTimes article?).

Oh Tweed...I love you with all my heart and hope that you are feeling better tomorrow. I am sorry I wanted to leave you at the vet but Daddy was paranoid you were so sick that you might die if he took you home without vet people around to save you. I PROMISE I will pick you up...er, later today and bring you home. I know you will feel better. I'll have your blanket warm and ready for you when you get home.

Deep breath...

another Deep breath...not of air....

Sigh....hang in there...everyone!

No One Can Stop What You Started

this is when I was looking for you
the memories are hazy
some tiny amount of love
cut through the haze
but I wasn't sure
I should dare
my hands shake
above the keys
like stuttering
from some
unnamed, welcome
but well known
disease
upended in
trance
It seems I
am with
you,
this mental image
imaginary snapshot
taken back in time
how before "we never met" until
that point,
does it matter?
do I care?
in the bigger neon gleaming
suspended-by daydreams
moments
I don't seem to catch myself
naked, disillusioned
anymore...

He Was Married To Mr Insanity

Argh fucking argh! what the fuck is wrong with Mark that he has to lock the fucking deadbolt when a trick comes over? Even though he himself doesn't have a key for it, even though he KNOWS DAMN WELL I DON'T HAVE A KEY EITHER, he will wait upstairs for a trick then have the TRICK 'lock the door behind them' which is fine in and of itself, but the trick locks the DEADBOLT, not the door itself-which I DO have the key for.

So it has happened again. This is the 4th time this has happened. 4 fucking times he was too lazy to meet his trick at the door so they can...what...enjoy the mystique of walking through a disorderly house strewn with packing materials, dusty glass, semi trash items and dark musty hasn't been washed in years carpet? Oh the lust! what the fucking christ-on-crutches point is there? To wade through all that crap and find...Mark? And for that added attraction I get to wait out on the carpeted steps in the freeze ass cold, with my hot dinner stone cold, my ice cream/sorbet melted and everything else soaked with moisture from the aforementioned sweating. Run me up and down the staircase a few times, knocking/banging/kicking the door and holding the buzzer down all got me nothing but sore bruised knuckles and out of breath. I finally remembered his number after dialing half of SF and 5 phone calls later(including one to the police asking what I could do/what they could do) it finally dawned on him that the incessant banging/phone ringing he was hearing was actually REAL.

He came down, a mere 45 minutes later. of course sheepishly he answered the door saying "sorry" and I just about got out "I don't want to talk....to you."

good for you Steve! Way to make another day sucky all around Mr. Dreier! God I have to get the hell out of here....

Reasons to Be Cheerful

Beset By Faded Inscriptions

passions were ignited
by firelight
candles died
and were invited
to become shadows
or frosted patches on the trees
the bubbling sounds
and water borne bugs
dancing, late
on kirlian silhouettes,
by day
fire dances
motions, humming, bright
and forces
that laugh at us
in our twilight
radiate for no meaning
shine, fighting back
no darkness without
some laughter
beset.

don't just stand there

eh, proposed track listing?

Luxe Universe LP / nostalgic futurists
----------
jesus_jesus/intro
timepiece
echovib
tonedrive
tone(deaf)(tasha's mix)
your funeral
kingdom keys
troubled beat
christina samba
fixed vision
Descartes vs dogma
*untitled piece by tasha

Extra track: music for driving in the rain


Peppermint Jars EP / starspring
----------
knock knock
immerse
trance dials in the shape of shells
opaque sound formations
atonal_Bop

Tasha and I need to do a little more recording to finish the album but most of my tracks are recorded for the peppermint jars compositions.

Must Obey

you caused me to remember the only one who has come and gone

it was a long time ago
I was younger
the cassette played
on my fischer brand stereo.
and that day
in November
you came in
and saved me
an unfilled book
with 'oh, so many illustrations'
it was and is
yeah it was and is
we chose to not remember
some days had sun
some days...
it was such a good day
some days
when I was 13 years old.

Sadly Beautiful

face mine
to turn away
sometimes the hot breath
holding it becomes
too much
sometimes
easier to face a sea of books
knowing warm hearts
beat in reverse
backwards to my wrongside
sadly moving
yet beautifully alone
in sleep dolphins dive
through to poems,
in dreams we're absolved.
alongside morning calls
bright lights and howling
yawls despite strangeness
turned to face
dangers together.

emptiness, longing
remembering closed limbs
simmering in the red lights
is it all so beautiful
that one forgets to recall
dull blinds, melon
rinds dried in the sun
and spider webs
untethered and swinging
like lace shawls in a miniature
squall, died down.
broken crowns
cracks in the side walk
after the first rain

(Bblang) Goodness

the inter comes
spiders pack up
mothers who walk
and stand for
confrontation hide
the knives and needles
and the bag man
no names, connection
or discomfort
control distorted and
filled with lore and liars
like my stories
we glow in the dark
lead it to shadows
and dirt
infidelity, inept
put the collar on
captain happen
before these planets
start again.

A Ritual Explanation

the lights are extinguished
the angels are ignited
the burning in the underground
is rising like a reverse rain
and driving rays
the perverse
without greediness,
or guile
quiet, bowed
somehow
without
you two
night.

Hey There! Molly Girl!

So Cute! The Chef is pretty darn handsome too!

Sting

holy crap, has that man made a deal with the devil or what? his new box set 25 Years is out and I would swear the picture on the front is him as a youthful 16-18 year old and nooo, for once in this godforesaken time of doctored everything, the photo is real. And recent, like, 2 months before the album? Huh? The man is a living testament to yoga and lots of sex(his given reason for staying in such great shape) plus he's down with herb. Say what you want about that shit he was peddling in the late 1990s, the man has written some of the most catchy songs of anyone, not just writers from his generation. Between him and the Police, there are, what? 34 Top 40 Singles, most of those top 10, and more than a few number ones. This man is no songwriting slouch. Take a page here guys. 7 kids, his wife is smoking. I've heard he's a conceited jerk, and what else would he be. Sometimes the gran poo-bah has to toot his horn loudest.

Not Over By A Long Shot / My Dream Yet Fulfilled

Probably Been Down For Days

I can tell
how you are
how the sun
meets the star
don't mean nothing
like the mountains
over lurid skies
dreams close eyes
two before
you and more
believe in
divine comedy
let them cluck
and scratch dirt
one morning we
all will see
what is left behind
the rabbit's ears
and the static filled
screen
have you seen
the tears go on
for days, when the phone is down
the lights are off
critics scoff
but candles
scare shadows
with vandal's tools
crashed into pedals
melted metals
become craft
life, then a raft
let cowards tie us
before we drift
into dreams
life is tired
or so it seams
will I ever
bring these
two halves together
sewn down like tethers
dusted by witches brooms
--------

oh my foolish little ....

Nate's Story / Cross posted on Catster

"This past august my 14 year old passed at home from a long fight with inflammatory bowel disease. It was horrible as this huge vacuum of space opened up in my life and I was sad and depressed for days, yet grateful he died here, with me and wasn't alone. After several days I realized my other cat was also now alone as they had been raised together since they were both kittens. I am often away during the day and felt the best way to deal with his sadness/loneliness(and mine) was to immediately get a new cat. I had always gotten cats when they were kittens but, looking at the shelters, reading online listings and going to the adoption fairs I realized there were far more cats than kittens. I didn't want to get a kitten to pair with my other cat even though I knew that might work, because he was used to a grown cat. Instead I started looking at adult cats. I looked for about two weeks, everyday both in shelters and online. Then I found Nate, an owner who could no longer care for him had left him at the animal control shelter here in SF. My partner pointed out his listing -as a 'small buff siamese mix' with the cutest picture of his face. I called up to see if he was still available but they said he had been adopted. Darn! So I kept looking, and for some reason the listing for him stayed up. A few days went by and I started to wonder if it had been a mistake, so I checked again. Sure enough, he had been 'test driven' by someone who wanted a friendly cat and spent three days under the sofa hiding which was apparently enough for them to turn him back over to animal control. They never took down the listing though so he had been stuck there in a shelter for a while, then moved to a PetFoodExpress here in town, to their adoption center. Given up by a different owner, stressed from losing his 'real' owner and now sad and very very unhappy from being moved around so much he had even taken to sleeping in his litterbox and had stopped eating. His lethargy was probably interpreted by some as his real personality and not one person had looked at him in almost two weeks. Things were not looking good. When I found out he was still there, I RAN the four blocks down the street to the store and immediately saw him sitting alone in his box starring out into space. One problem though...he was not a 'small siamese mix" but rather a HUGE white, longhaired tabby/maine coon cross of some sort with deep set blue eyes-think an albino raccoon and you've got the look AND the size. Waaay more cat than I was thinking of getting as my other cat is much smaller. But I figured, lets see how he is anyway. The adoption folks brought him out and he promptly stuffed his head inside my coat and went to sleep. Well, that was all she wrote for this big softie! That was September...he is now a totally different cat. Still skittish and wary at times but he continues to warm up and be more and more comfortable. He and my other cat share food, the multi-storied cat stand and now sleep together though they maintain separate boxes. And yes, he DID hide under my couch for about a week but I made sure he had everything he needed and one day, he came out. 2 weeks later he let me pet him. 1 month later he let me pet his tummy. Now he plays catch, romps and plays, vocalizes and is just a sweet loving cat as I knew he would be. he just needed a chance - so please don't turn your back on older cats. They have so much love to give!

lets drive through the hole in the sky

I see your eyes
weary with unrest slackened
heavy with age
but I remember
young energy
feet that were light
claws that cut
and teeth that
sucked the marrow
out of life
a rare treat
to watch your sleep
soft subtle
breaths and
old man snores
never so much
as a peep
of sorrow
strength that
turns the world
world aside
one day we'll see
one day will keep
one day we'll shoot loneliness
fly on bullets
shot through space
with a gun
and meet again
in sleep
where like diamonds
all dreams return

Some Sense Of Self

Turbulent Disconnect

I'll lock all the doors
pull the blinds
it'll be fine
wild animal noises
we'll strike strange poses
crawling around on the floor
howling on all fours
tried of the drivel and
the dreck
what the hell
lets get shipwrecked
light our way
with unused
signal flares

right before the shiny explosion
we'll hit the deck
my mouth and the salt drying on your neck
some spanish tequila
going down like siren's screams
some how fits getting
shipwrecked

Love U Josquin

Hope you're somewhere grabbing a comfy cardboard box. You always made them look so toasty. Miss you buddy. Lit a candle for you....my beautiful boy.

(you bet) Coastal Trial

 denied
a gift
stolen
better you than
better
yeah
than you and him
and disarray

some new letter
to fold
follow
down the
hole
where the
shadow lays
where you bet
its only a new magic
yet
you graze
he held spots
sporting
your gaze
you bet
yeah
 you're better not
to bet.

To kiss my eyes
and then
a slow duress
a pandemonium
natural to
the sun
we become
not dangerous
unexpected
yet a play
redressed in
ascension bound
by earthly constraints
applied.

???/!!!/I Can See My House From Here/Rat Race

new streams
seem
unfamiliar
dream hidden
in rye
cut down
like
old
beauty
queens
pageantry
dried
like a a potato ring
in some nameless
field
a place to C#
all my own
golden notes
for a lost boy
and his golden throne
some place that will not ask
questions that will not
for another day
for the right name
to replace
space ship in the
trismeric flow
what else is played
against the rhythmic
hics and coughs
that never stop
that language never tops
did you get it in the last bit?
do the stars shine like diamonds
when you look away?
do the lines in the face of
mars ever make
you wonder?
wander into space
inside?
its a plutonian race
you're rats to ponder
best to move
on
gander
question
in the ether...

It Was Alright

a piece of glass
a sea shell
part of a broken doll
and some coral.
a few pieces of jewelry
and some special rocks
from that trip
to Australia
what I wouldn't do
if I could
be there
again
it would
be
1950
me meek
free from age
one book
a bible
I read every page
there was no way out
no martyr without
a painted pout
would you believe
me
if I said I met god
on the battlefield
and every rock
is a message sealed
where man makes
a deal buddy,
you peddle your
ideas
weak ideals
outside
men pretend to be men
just running in place
dirty
and wasted
pretending
to taste to the ceiling
while
they're awake
yeah, that is what they will say in the morning
weather they are brewing storms
every idea is the
same
like any man or woman
you can name
begging for bread
at the back door
we all look the same
piled high
in a hole in the ground
covered in quicklime
no way in
or out
that is supposed to be free
of pain
why do think
we're so afraid of change
of the potential of another day
why do
people have to beg anyway?
outside
your vision
sews jagged incisions
accusations falsely rebuffed
something, something bird guys
on that folkways label
no one can remember all
those folk records from 1953
how many bookshelves can
one man have?
to stave off guilt
to throw into the sea
or to the flames
how many books does it take
for one man to learn
to starve
to live and
rearrange laws
wonder if the sky wants stars
wonder what kind of place this is
where a man can lay down and die
but I'll take a swing
even though I don't know
with my good arm
even though
I don't know.

First Day of Fall is Coming / Random Indigo

close your eyes / people can't see

Summers Shimmering (exit)

project it on
the fifth
something similar
simple and fitting
she signs of birds frittered away
blue clapped common
encapscalted ocelot
eviscerating ecstasy
escaping
exit,
sin, sugar, sing
sugar while away
keep hidden,
sleep suddenly.
sleep murderous.
she seems to tomorrow.
she sleep her vision.
she sounds for firing off
sounds a shimmering
she simmers
and ropes and fulfills 
and pulls and pulls and
then is gone.

A Little Midnight Shipwreck

no one would believe
how often we work
to self deceive
like an old king
on his tarnished throne
talking about all his hang ups
on the telephone
where he hangs his coat
the crocodiles in
the moat you could
not cradle your head
full of inhibition
wrapped with strips
of old skin
hung up and hanging
wounded and staining
the wooden landscape
the papered walls
tilting kudzu covered
garden stalls
not touched since the 1970s
stuck on a post
a dried and rotting vine
trials and tribulations of wrong choices
made over time

but costs, all or most
eventually recovered
without choice
run aground voices
being hung up
all the time
(sigh)

No More Medicine

If I glanced at you
from a stream of light
could I take the lead?
would it be
like being free
blindfolded
in the dark
all those warm nights
out in birdland
blinking lights
and laughter
at the park
parts of you
hidden here
and there
a trace
of an outline
with four legs
and a hairy stare
in the deep wells
of memory
for all gifts
eventually return
the source of grace
once secured
all things return
to their former shape
and space.
you are everywhere
the howl and the chatter
running around in
the hereafter
 what kind of theater
are we waiting
in the wings for?
the heaviness
which pervades
when strange emotions
shape landscapes
we use to escape

and somewhere
a place I don't know
yet with furry angels

stars with sails
angels with tails

when life goes off the rails
it gets wings.

- for Mack


p.s. - I promise to take good care of your daddy until we can all go to the park together again.

For Mack (cross posted on Facebook)

Mack 1996 - 2011

I wanted to post this in honor of Mack, who left us this past week to go run and play on the other side of the rainbow bridge. I only had the pleasure of knowing Mack for a little while but the brief time I spent with him was always nothing short of sublime. His sweet gentle nature and happy-go-lucky disposition could make even the grayest day seem warm and sunny-and this picture reminds me of that. We had such fun running, laughing/barking and playing together on our walks with Bob, to Kay park and the field. You always brought a smile to my face and to the many strangers who you came into contact with.

I know you will have lot of new friends to play with until we meet again. I told Champ, Taffy, Cody and all our other friends to look for you once you arrive so you won't be lonely. I know you are feeling better now so you can run and play again-and your daddies know they don't have to worry if you are hurting anymore. I told them have plenty of biscuits ready or there would be some serious woofing going on!

Love you, miss you and see you again someday.

Your friend Steve

Considerations On The Rolodex Incident

world war 2 buddies
who will listen as I talk
what is this house even worth
nothing but a last sleeping november
soft graces that once filled these spaces
a tired hand holding a lit cigarette
no more places left to go
no more reason
for doubt
for a mind
that yearned to soar
but feared flight
will I learn to travel
light
will I learn to travel
by the aligned constellations
I watch for
in the night

me and sailors
me and my guitar
just a lonesome road
you know
the ones you read about?

how did we get here
without a map and no idea
just some bitter idea
of perfection
that eventually requires
correction
lay a little here
and a bit with spite
and a little with each person
 in your rockets
we're all astronauts
exploring the unknown
travellign through astral snow
learning a little bit
as we go.

Note To Self Portrait

When Its Cold / One For The Ghosts

Love Letters From A Cemetary

San Francisco
love 2011
phantom floors
revealing new spirits
recording; we vanish into ceilings
the first cocoon of the spring
opening on the new sky
the passing features
walk rainbow beaches
one in a million creatures
touch you
then somehow
it all goes away

sincerely I remain
here to document
despite familiar
ghosts on a train
----------
how could anyone
have a problem
on a day like today
the sun is shining
the spiders are spinning
new webs to capture
like dreaming sailors
in their boats(in their sails).
on the sea(on the air).
-(vault)-

Note to Self

goddammit the world is such an awful shitty place sometimes.

Self Loathing In Texas

like a fish out of water
flapping away
on the dock
the clockis ticking
too long without

air
alone in the upstairs
room
the ice is forming
on the roof outside
I watch the ghost
leak into the
cold at night

I didn't think
I could move
nothing to grab
at blue wriggly blue
hazyness
fish underwater
while one boy
watched

laughing
from the
other side of the pool
must have slipped in

don't dive in
and get him
I wore cold
and blue today
for him
for one boy's name
to go away
for one boys name
not to be like mine
cover my manor
in boy hood rivalry
but from the other side of thew waves
the same thing that makes kings kill one another
and evil cain slaying abel
sever my heart
at the dinner table
try to carve off
my wings
and gut me
something to point to
a carcass, your preferred
jackass, skull and bones maracas
punching bag told to
love you so much
I'm turning blue 
eyes are red
sometimes too
And this is the guy I should be like?
kick you off
on ancient winds
rustled cattle and wild horses are all eventually free
you can't speak my language
tax my happiness
wait for me to fall over
plant some clover on my grave?
something for the worms
to savor? when my flesh can be their slave?
But you had to run 5 states away!
funny watching Goliath cave
happy the man with
his face that smiles
hahahahahahaah
hahahah...

Porter Street & Junk Annex

drug through
the eye of a needle
in Seattle
wouldn't I have thought
not to speak highly
of you love
push more stars into
your view
where only gods can see
no cheap stage trick
with a burnt side
of fried integrity

turn on turn on
not at all island sticks
turning inward
the wood spinning
the curls of
grain
stained hands
rinsed by
sine waves, rains, raves
turn on
the mind
turn on the moon
winter coming soon
devils deals with
dollars in the heavens
please politicans and
persnickety unemployed
electricians all slowing down
here in the corner
of your head
with melted disguises
they fell out of their guise
right out of black nights
right out of the sky

turn on
the strain
the water pools and
we slow down
time slows down
we turn the bed down
put your head down
its snowed in
glow turned
outside in
---------

Another One From An Electric Bird

Hey Love!

Big Nate in the house...

quick takes

clouds match explosions
hidden emotions
like slow gas leaks
become squeaks
then bleve
then fire

everything going south
the pillar is posted
the liar is hoisted
watch the money
drip from his
foul mouth


climax cinematic scenes
bathed in polychrome fusion
its all too beautiful and taboo
the last boy who said that became faust
and the scenery designer
too

Emotional Astronomy For Polar Bears

put this in a basket
float it down the nile
I've always got a smile for you
every time I tie
my tennis shoes


hush
his hand is on your shoulder
velveteen ribbon around
the borders
half in and half out
one end open to
the light

silken tie
lapel pin just so
did I see that?
did I catch my breath
a minute ago?
wooden paper on the ceiling
brass handle
on the exit door
heart beating speeding
needing to find
the way out

a leather book
with fancy paper
to document your afterlife
all the names of people you
hated
stated only for the guilt
excised; the reason we all came here
to pretend we're not bitter
splinter without
your glue
tongue tied statues
bear witness to what is
left.
the remains
and the truth
unexplained.

Box Full of Strangers

all treasure chests
left unearthed

become crusted and rusted
shut
full of sand and dust
busted locks
left yoked
in antiquity.

Paper curls, dyes fade
and edges blur
until time passes
seeing requires glasses
memory cracks
like a luxury car
without its chassis
dementia sets in
absenstia dominates
with gin and
perceived golden
ages gilded
in lost responsibility
self-pity
false piety
grand gaiety
for the queen without
a crown
broken down graceless
aging faces
relative to nothing
nothing that means
something that you used
to be; before clouds gathered
black death cumulonimbus
somnabulistic curtain calls
never famous just sadness
aiming for the stars
breaking up without witness in
the evenings atmosphere

and you take the paper,
the films, super 8 cells
not real just another
part of your hoard
another part of the tomb
built of cardboard
hidden away in unlabeled rooms
to be made quiet
undying, life in
full spectrum to ultraviolet
photos of an older life
glamorous clothes and the
promise of the American Dream
"let them eat cake!"
spoiled and spattered out
just another dead guy
floating in the lake
some loose documentation
but otherwise not remarkable
a brief history of the not really familiar
the damned, also-rans, men holding fish
and women holding fans
locked away with the rest of my life
we were jumbled up
in a crumbling box full of strangers
to be put out of the way
and forgotten...

Mr Red Eyes Marries Lady Violence

a chain of flowers
thrown into the sea
by old women, mothers
children missing
narco gang wars
financed by
men who's hearts
have grown cold
ordering death
like you order dinner
the order in which
somewhere at a table
smoking guns are
singing the etiquette
of violence watched
by closed eyes

One more rag doll body
rendered invisible
wandering in windows
with photos for a name
no instructions for an endgame
just one bar of chocolate
a golden ticket and some
unlucky bastard's body
thrown to rot
in a thicket
POW!
BLAM!
ClickClickClick...

Icy eyes were across the street(will you speak my language?)

on a day that was windy
we watched it go by
we called it a tragedy
but neither of us knew why

over the bridge
where men wore coal shoes
perfect color skies
lady will you answer these phones
that last familiar voice
or smile before we disconnect?

somewhere smoking trees talked about apocalypse
how they loved the view
even though it was all
over as far as they knew
it all went underneath the bridge
I closed my eyes
to familiar tears
liars in the sheets
who disappeared underneath
a legend
who was that masked man
I ask but but nothing answers in
the elan shrouded silence that lingers and howls in the air left
behind.

today there was a tragedy
but no one seemed to mind
to pay it any attention
though the tension
seemed to drag...

For Dinah

sad like a polar bear swimming
around in glass tank
removed from ice and snow
forever falling down a hole
shrinking and growing
from the potion that Alice drank
sailing on tears
in a leaf as the waves
curl and bank
and little cats stop
and say goodbye
when you
go away.

Wandered Time And Forgotten

the evening is quiet
some kind of afterlife
no one speaks
nothing is speaking
but you listen all the while
even in the shades of the lapping
of the waves of the river and its rinsing hush...

he's quiet now
footsteps behind me in the room
no one has gifts
everyone is breathing quickly
are we heading for the races
the look of failure
and faintness
on faces
pull the protecting blue blanket tight
can you hear me?
the shape of your face
is a faint trace on panes
my breath in the night
pull the blankets tight
the sound is the same
retuning and returning
like hammers that beat
out dreams until you're
too unclear
puddles rippled forever
disturbed by evil forces

instead of a beautiful clear reflection
something comes slow and quick hiding behind spears
and breathes into you something like knives
dead and clear
meant to leave you with some hollow space inside
to fill with doubt
magically
to follow evermore
even in the afterlife
exchanged for pain
never make bargains like that again
even as the waves lap
the sap flows
some new life shines
glossy morning banks
here in a
new afterlife.

New Kitty Pix

one of Nate sleeping and one of Tweed and Nate negotiating for a timeshare on their brand new kitty condo.

One Month, One Death, New Cat, Two Cats

One month has passed since I lost Josquin. I haven't had the heart to make up his urn with a picture yet. There is something, somehow finalizing about that-like somehow it is the last thing we will do together-that I keep putting it off. I still 'see' him out of the corner of my eye every few days and feel a firm brushing against my shin every so often when no cat is in the room that it is hard for me to doubt he or his presence are still very much with me. Moving the room around has actually been helpful in shedding some of the bed juju around current events. Sometimes its good just to shake things up visually to help move on-so onward!

Tweed is still adjusting to the new kitty in his life. There were the first few days of hissing, angry confrontations and recriminations that all new cats do when meeting in mixed territory. They are now 'mixing' into the space of the other cat much more so. Nathaniel comes into my room and snoops, jumps up on the bed and has gone as far as climbing into tweed's area under my bed-but is still skittish when I approach at times. He is getting better. I know he was traumatized by losing his previous owner. I found out he had been very lethargic at the adoption center, not eating and even sleeping in his litterbox which is a sign of depression. They were worried no one would take him there and he had been at the shelter for months previously which only added to the trauma. It helps to know that he was saved. Even though I couldn't help Josquin, I can still make sure I help some other kitty instead. That is what I am building my 'fly to some place better' spaceship on, at least...

Luckily Tweed and Nathaniel are both coming around to one another. They interact-they smell one another and the hissing is gone. Tweed has already started to eat from Nate's bowl and I have seen Nate eating kitty grass in my room as well so he seems to be getting the picture and learning that sharing is okay here. I know they need some place to play that they can climb on and use their claws so hopefully I can get a cat stand they both like and will share soon. No claw marks in anything serious yet other than me. There has been a small spate of urinating on the chair-surely by Tweed as Nate wouldn't pee where he sleeps-and hopefully that is something about attention and not territory. I have hopefully solved it by putting out Josquin's old bed on the chair and just praying that Nate would use it which, amazingly, he has. Nice to have them around being used. It was a shame when Josquin stopped using his but I now now that was probably because they were too hot once he became really sick. Nice to incorporate some of his legacy in good new memories. Still think about him all the time...

Caught In This Sudden Shower (victims of circumstance)

there is a hole in my sleeve
where my heart used to be
an absence of fabric
otherwise static
running from each other
like rabbits

 in snow

I hear you
outside vision, a whisper
without a reply,
a rarefied silence.
wind sweeps besides me
and steals away
with a memory
like old glass
like spiders webs
sagging under dew
the conflagration is won
the flames and embers
have burned down from
junipers on fire
in fields of steel
seared in flights of ecstasy
guilty of applying
the patina of forgetting
as each bead is clutched
and counted
bullfighters swing their
blood cloaks like air filled
with smoke and death
one wingless bird flies over
new york and changes everything
in a single breath
the named faces are faceless
fearless, nothing more to know
alone ships dot the future like Seurat
but cling to hope that is killed
without the threat of
hidden, maddened gesture or
within the arc of a whip
lashed liars with their
poison tongues
speaking to
a wall.

Ashes to Ashes to Josquin

Today I picked up Josquin's ashes from the vet. I never thought I could be as sad as I was this afternoon. Even though Tweed was given the thumbs up, I couldn't stop thinking about Josquin. His urn is nice-aromatic cedar with a little panel in the front for a picture and a nice card from the place who did the cremation. Several techs and people at the vet's office came up to me to say how sorry they were that josquin has passed. I kept it together long enough to get back in the cab before I started to cry. Holding one cat in one arm and another in the other, sloshing around in the back of the cab while I just wished I was home....where a third cat waited to show me love and affection. It was a little more than I could take.

I miss Josquin terribly. His death, though short and relatively pain free still haunts me. I still have tons of guilt around his death-being away from him that last week and wondering if I had not left, would he still be here? that I had to leave him alone when he was so sick? My mind races...I can't stop it. Even though Nathaniel is here and getting acclimated and that draws a lot of my attention, I cannot stop feeling like I let him down in some ways. Maybe that is something I will need to work on as time goes on and the hurt is less. God knows my heart is still hurting. Until the day I cross the rainbow bridge and we get to laugh and romp together again....Until then old friend...don't forget Daddy misses and loves you always.

New Kitty Alert!!!

This dear boy is Nathanial. He is an owner surrender, and was very frightened at first to find himself at the shelter, but with a lot of TLC from the shelter staff and volunteers, Nathanial has come around. He is a mellow, gentle fellow who would love to be your new companion and snuggle bear, as you can see from the video on this page. Come meet Nathanial today and give this sweet boy a good home!

Yummy "Big Nate" Davis

Welcome Home Nathanial!!! I promise to show you oodles of love and do my best to help you get to know Tweed. So nice to have you here! Yay!

Only Yesterday Dealt

ride your scooter
your flowing skirt
ripples into the night
full of skeletons
 a deck of cards
and a map without names
only for streetlights
tucked deftly in your shirt
for the long road and getting lost
dealing comic books, nakedness and gasoline
and diamonds and drugs
push pins and evil
narcotic minions deep in a
velvet dream.

Devo Live - Girl U Want

Wow, This Sounds Like Tweed

"Hello, I am Milton, a 12 year old neutered male with black short hair. I have a very curious nature and love exploring and meeting new people. Im very outgoing and affectionate. Given half a chance I will take over any lap until Im kicked out and reward you with purrs and head butts. Im gentle and calm and would make a great companion. Please ask for Milton, ID# A499540"

Ripple

to have someone else
and their spirit
inside you
madness is no escape
madness is the refuge of scoundrels
clouds to create dark spots to run under
clouds in memory / to waive your hands around
in some desperate search for meaning
have I learned to run
have I learned how hard I can fall
If I could
this would seem fearless
these people would not be on fire
these people wouldn't be etched
into memory
for falling
out of god's hands
into the sky
dry leaves
falling from a tree
like the consuming spark
falls molten through (like a liquid) buildings
on fire in foreign shapes
wriggle through loops where
time swallowed itself
like entropy (ripples)
we're racing toward it
peeling off dark matter / new variables
like so many parchment jackhammers
rediscovered backstage (taped under tarps)
disguised as red
balloons.

More New Kitty Research Type-stuff

Issue about Cats to remember:

1. Although a cute kitten is nice, I need a cat that is either closer in temperament to Tweed or closer in age. A young adult cat, even if spayed will be very rambunctious and slightly aggressive, which is part of cats being that age. However, having that energy directed at an older cat may actually be stressful. I would consider it, but it would mean having to spend a good time longer on adjusting them and behavioral training. I know there are ways to help do this but it has been a while since I have merged to differing cats who weren't raised together. Perhaps an older male or middle aged female.

2. I can love nearly any cat-even an indifferent one-but for Tweed there is a lot more at stake in terms of breaking up his routines. Another cat, a new cat, will certainly require him changing his patterns, perhaps across the board. Sleeping and play areas, eating, food types and litterbox use will all shift-I may need to add a second litter box. They will need to get used to each other. Things like shared grooming may take a while to kick in. I do think if I end up with a younger cat that I should again have a place where the cats can play that is devoted to them, where they can look out over their space-my room currently-and be able to climb-maybe by my window. Cats are BIG on vertical space. . Even though Tweed is unlikely to use it as much, for exercise reasons, I think it is essential for younger cats. Truth be told, even with the co-mourning Tweed and I have been doing, I have been trying to get Tweed to play, both to gauge his potential activity level for another cat and to check his health. Not being able to really play and romp with Josquin these last few months has really meant that Tweed also has gotten less physical activity(not unlike his owner). I was sort of pleasantly surprised by his vigor when he played with his new 'hot dog' catnip toy. I tossed it around on top of the bed for a few minutes and he chased it, clawed at it and chewed on it like he was a rascally kitten again. He wasn't eating as much as he used the last few days which I have worried about-but today he ate and pooped more-and I hope that is a trend that continues. He seems like he is at a good weight right now and it would be nice for him to stay there if possible.

There is much to do, and many other items that I need to finish first(like Golden Boy) which I haven't forgot about, and medical coverage stuff-and looking for work. That is all in process...but right now its a lot.

Baby, Where Would I Be Without You?

Why Lie, I'm Struggling...

Been looking on the net the last couple of days in trying to deal with everything. Found this via Catster:

Pet Cat Bereavment
For many of us the loss of a cat is comparable to the loss of a family member, partner, or best friend. Here are some steps that may guide and support you through the grieving process:

• Allow yourself to grieve. Take time to process your feelings. Remember that other pets and family members are grieving also and may need more attention during this transitional phase.
(working on this one)
• Surround yourself with people who empathize with your loss rather than trivialize it. If you don't have friends and family members that understand your grief, do not be afraid to seek help. There are many options ranging from bereavement counseling to pet loss hotlines and online support groups.
(done)
• Honor your cat's memory by creating a memorial, writing a letter or poem to your cat or donating your time or money to an animal welfare organization on behalf of your cat.
(done and done and done)
• Focus on positive memories with your beloved cat and try to put aside those that are more painful.
(this is a work in progress-all memories seem rather painful to recall now)
• Take care of yourself. Exercise, eat right and stick to your normal routine as best you can. The sooner your life returns to normal, the better you'll feel.
(I know, I know...this is probably the area I need the most work)
• Consider adopting a new cat, not to replace the one you lost, but to share the future with.
(how odd that the last one on the list seems the most likely to help)

From Here To You

Here I am again
like the tape playing backwards
those sessions in 96'
where we tried our hand
at being bedroom geniuses
the guitar with a short
and the missing notes
now playing between
the two of us
we look into space
or outside ourselves
from someone we're expecting
to come back through the door
the strange noises
replaced by silence
but heard anyway
the brush of a tail
in the corner of my eye
you're still here running
around where I can't see
Other eyes have seen you
retired your favorite toys
your blanket and some dreams
has it only been a week
since you broke my heart?

Untitled # 234

the sky was not yet storm filled
like it had been in those photographs
from far away
with dark clouds and doubt
and unknown pains at a distance
the sound of desperate breathing
in the last few seconds fading
embracing as all
those mortal blockades
fall away like clay
were you paralized
staring down death
without regrets
head back looking
at the sky
like Ophelia
eyes wide
clutching at one
last sprig of
hemlock leaves
flowers grown on the
gates of wisdom.
we were driving
in the same canyon
I couldn't leave you stranded
 you fed me when I was famished
 you showed me a path I thought vanished
  where the car couldn't go
   where the map didn't show
where we meet again
someplace safe
beside a stream
you park the car
inside a dream
(breakdown)
(breakdown)
(breakdown)
(breakdown)
(............)
windowsills meet the dawn
another shade away from anguish...
Make vet appointment for Tweed
Hide head under pillow
close eyes tightly

Second Acts (the whole universe explained by half)

come walk with me
don't fade away
weird steps
new worlds
and we'll dance through
turn dark thoughts
into new light
where innocence
has lead astray
tested for breaking
points silenced isolated
locked away with silent screams

but...now
there are a hundred fiery stars
the fresh sun will still rise
the flesh that moved like a still life
and was consumed by flame
will melt again, brought down
to stay here for a while
the whole thing is too short
the old reel flaps
slaps cuts edits reframes
some fantasy of perfect gardens
green overfull concrete hardening
before a second act is formulated
we are all transcending
found, finding, hiding
as we fall from grace
life's song hidden in a slip case
your haunted name
my haunted face
goodnight kitty
in outer space.

Untitled # 233

For every hole
for every dark place
there is a ladder
to crawl out on
to count every rung
all the bells are ringing
fate lays no easy roads
no finished stories
or half remembered dreams
you have to climb
all the steps
through the clouds
'til you reach
the unfinishing sky
where everything
returns.

You're Remembered When I Call Your Name

I promise I'll do my best to take care of Tweed. Help me find a friend for him, okay?

Sometimes It Snows In April

Sometimes It Snows In April - Prince

Tracy died soon after a long fought civil war,
just after I'd wiped away his last tear
I guess he's better off than he was before,
A whole lot better off than the fools he left here
I used 2 cry 4 Tracy because he was my only friend
Those kind of cars don't pass u every day
I used 2 cry 4 Tracy because I wanted to see him again,
But sometimes sometimes life ain't always the way...

Sometimes it snows in April
Sometimes I feel so bad, so bad
Sometimes I wish life was never ending,
and all good things, they say, never last

Springtime was always my favorite time of year,
A time 4 lovers holding hands in the rain
Now springtime only reminds me of Tracy's tears
Always cry 4 love, never cry 4 pain
He used 2 say so strong unafraid to die
Unafraid of the death that left me hypnotized
No, staring at his picture I realized
No one could cry the way my Tracy cried

Sometimes it snows in April
Sometimes I feel so bad
Sometimes, sometimes I wish that life was never ending,
And all good things, they say, never last

I often dream of heaven and I know that Tracy's there
I know that he has found another friend
Maybe he's found the answer 2 all the April snow
Maybe one day I'll see my Tracy again

Sometimes it snows in April
Sometimes I feel so bad, so bad
Sometimes I wish that life was never ending,
But all good things, they say, never last

All good things that say, never last
And love, it isn't love until it's past
---------------

The reason I got in to music is because it was where I found people who could say what I couldn't. This has always been a good song, written about a friend of Prince's who died of cancer. Probably as close to a lament as he ever wrote concerning the loss of something or someone important. For all his bump and grind, his ridiculous current belief systems, this song has always stuck with me. And it certain fits right now for how I am feeling about Josquin-certainly 'the way my tracy cried' because no one did or could like Josquin. Not unlike having a piece of your heart taken away. the blood rushes back in to fill the hole in but the well of souls has no bottom, just another opening at the other end so the blood just pours and pours in.

Tweed looks for him endlessly and cries. He sits at the bathroom door and cries. He creeps around in Mark's office and sits blankly by the scratching posts waiting for his friend to come out. I know there is nothing I can do for him except hug him and hold him and pet him but its unbearably frustrating for me. I didn't count on internalizing grief for other pets. In my naivety I wrong assumed they would die really close together of old age. Josquin's passing didn't shock me beyond the trauma of watching him die in front of my eyes, but its starting to dawn on me that this is heavier than I have the ability to just work through in terms of the trauma. I feel devastated. Josquin was no goldfish-he taught me to to look at animal/human relationships in a whole new way and totally changed the way I thought about cats as well. Still trying to work my up to that slideshow. I figure I should master putting clothes on and leaving the house first. Its going to take me a while to pull up these socks. Missing you Buddy.

Elegy For Josquin

the stars fell from the sky
into an empty spot
at the edge of the bed.
soft furry sounds,
something warm and round
gone from the place
it used to be.

The Post-Josquin World

Ugh, I'm just a mess. Taking Josquin's body to the Vet to have him cremated was like an out of body experience. There were other people waiting there in the office when I arrived. The clerk asked "Can I help you?" I answered yes, and that I 'had a body for them' because I couldn't manage to get the words "Yes, I have my dead cat in a box here wrapped in a towel. I just watched him die not even an hour ago now I have to say goodbye forever" out of my mouth.

You could have heard a pin drop. Everybody knew-and once I confirmed that "its Josquin" people realized it was not some roadkill but my beloved pet-it stayed that way. Luckily he took the box away quickly-and I didn't have to linger on thoughts about holding his dead body. It was just a shell a that point, albeit a furry one! I managed to keep it together long enough to mumble something about a credit card number(thank you honey) and where they could reach me. "He said "Sorry about your kitty" and said thanks, grabbed the receipt and walked out the door. 15 feet later my face was drenched. I felt this huuuuge empty space open up in my life. Josquin had always been my cat-I picked him out myself-and having spent so much time and energy and emotions in the process of caring for him this last year-I felt like a ship cut loose from its moorings. I decided to walk the 2 miles home through the city shrouded in fog, through golden gate park and the beautiful pan handle full of trees and flowers. I took pictures and thought about places where a small token portion of his ashes will be spread. The rest will stay with me, but I don't know where I can keep them. I can barely look at pictures of Josquin right now without bursting into tears. I hope I am able to pull it together to make a small pictorial memorial of him....and let me tell you this cat was a serious ham...and very pretty to boot. There are a LOT of pictures...so it will be both funny and sad, poignant and beautiful.

Tweed has spent a good portion of the day looking around the house, as well as last night. I think it is starting to dawn on him that Josquin is "not here" anywhere. Having grown up together their lives were, for better or worse, fairly intertwined. He has to be feeling the vacuum like I am. Several times now I have seen him standing in the hall pointed toward the door. His bed sits empty near the patio door and no one comes to clean the top of his head while he is napping. Life will be different now-for both of us. I just have to give him enough love for two right now. Hold steady kitty...hold tight.

the best way to mend a broken heart is to fall in love again-I will have two cats again-but a new friend for me and Tweed. I'll admit I already went to the SPCA's cat page and looked over older cats. When I looked at Tweed and Josquin's adoption papers after Josquin passed, I realized they had been adopted in October-which isn't that far away but not tomorrow. Maybe Josquin was just being timely, making way for some other cat to be a part of my life, not unlike Bruce, Bob and I. There are forces at work that cannot be explained. The way the universe folds on itself is not privy to me-but I'll keep at it. As long as I can have cats. :)

For Josquin

From Red, Hot and Blue-my favorite version of this song ever-sung beautifully by Annie Lennox...for Josquin

Josquin Davis ( 1998 - 2011 )

This afternoon when I went to give Josquin his medications, I found him in Mark's office under a folding table. When I called his name, instead of getting up, he rolled his head over to look at me. His eyes were wide and I could tell something was wrong. I reached through the table legs to pick him up. He was responsive but limp like a rag doll. When I put him on the bed to give his meds, he couldn't stand up and kept flopping over. I put a little baby food on my finger and put it in front of his mouth but he wouldn't touch it. He kept trying to get up and wanted off the bed. I moved him to the floor where he proceeded to try and crawl into a corner. He began panting heavily and slobbering, continuing to try and hide. I knew he was dying then. I tried making him as comfortable as possible and made sure he wasn't bumping into things. Finally he stopped struggling. His breathing slowed and his body began to twitch, followed by small grunts and sighs. I held him gently as he let out his last few breaths and then he was still. I stroked his head and petted him from one end to the other then I kissed him goodbye.

Goodnight sweet prince, may there be endless fields of mice and catnip wherever you roam....You made me laugh, drove me crazy, made me cry like a baby AND we had LOADS of fun together. You were with me through some of the worst times in my life-and I never would have gotten through them without you. You taught me a lot about being gentle and loving-and you were a good brother to Tweed too. In the end, you taught me about grace and reminded me about the circle of life-to appreciate what we have when we have it. I hope that I did right by you even though I wasn't always at my best. You set a benchmark for every other cat that comes after you-and there will never be another like you. Missing you terribly already...Your Papa, Steve.

Untitled # 232

from conscience to
unconsciousness
to off; lights
hotel room ghost closets
or smashed bridal apparitions
full of unmitigated doom
everyone's asleep
in the tall towers
above

below
in the traffic
the din
the boom
Can belts Pnoom
the way the cars
scratch and melt in to day
clawing their way across the wasteland
of dead dinosaurs
crushed into metaphor
silver waves surfing like trees
floating in the air
over a dead isle
the city is quiet
no fight left
in her warm shadows
the diamonds and the shimmering
sidewalks and the grit and
the piss.

what you worked for
gone in a instant
the moment
that we live for
the wind
the cinders
and the glitter
borne away on tides
and turned into glass

Why Actor Guy Pearce is Awesome

He first came to my attention via Adventures of Priscilla: Queen of the desert but has since been better known for Memento and LA Confidential. Just finished watching the remake he did of H.G. Wells The Time Machine and was checking his IMDB page when I found this quote:


"[2007, on not wanting children] I don't even need them. There are enough babies in the world. Besides, I don't think I would be good for babies. I'd be on and off. I think they need more consistent affection than I would be able to give.

I'm a cat person actually, and my dogs are a lot like cats because they don't bark, they hate water and they climb trees. They are aloof and very feline. I see myself as a cat. I grew up with such an affinity to cats. I adore the way that they think and operate."

Okay, is this guy cool or what? Doesn't want kids but loves dogs. What a cool cat.

In Romantic Eras

desert nomads in winter
high rise skyscrapers in
drifting snow
old stories about books
and their covers
and the old brown shoe
and the mystery
of the hegemony.

the builder and the barber
the sailor and the
guitarist in the alley
with the sad songs
that hold you fast
forever in love
like those couples
in romantic eras
long past.

the shadow and the candle
the priests and vandals
those men that come in the night
set us aflame
and leave with the daylight
and darkness shades
what safety we create
rewriting our
own legacy.

You Rock!