Self Loathing In Texas

like a fish out of water
flapping away
on the dock
the clockis ticking
too long without

air
alone in the upstairs
room
the ice is forming
on the roof outside
I watch the ghost
leak into the
cold at night

I didn't think
I could move
nothing to grab
at blue wriggly blue
hazyness
fish underwater
while one boy
watched

laughing
from the
other side of the pool
must have slipped in

don't dive in
and get him
I wore cold
and blue today
for him
for one boy's name
to go away
for one boys name
not to be like mine
cover my manor
in boy hood rivalry
but from the other side of thew waves
the same thing that makes kings kill one another
and evil cain slaying abel
sever my heart
at the dinner table
try to carve off
my wings
and gut me
something to point to
a carcass, your preferred
jackass, skull and bones maracas
punching bag told to
love you so much
I'm turning blue 
eyes are red
sometimes too
And this is the guy I should be like?
kick you off
on ancient winds
rustled cattle and wild horses are all eventually free
you can't speak my language
tax my happiness
wait for me to fall over
plant some clover on my grave?
something for the worms
to savor? when my flesh can be their slave?
But you had to run 5 states away!
funny watching Goliath cave
happy the man with
his face that smiles
hahahahahahaah
hahahah...