Xmas is here! / Art is near! / Kitties are dear!

Love U Josquin

Hope you're somewhere grabbing a comfy cardboard box. You always made them look so toasty. Miss you buddy. Lit a candle for you....my beautiful boy.

Ashes to Ashes to Josquin

Today I picked up Josquin's ashes from the vet. I never thought I could be as sad as I was this afternoon. Even though Tweed was given the thumbs up, I couldn't stop thinking about Josquin. His urn is nice-aromatic cedar with a little panel in the front for a picture and a nice card from the place who did the cremation. Several techs and people at the vet's office came up to me to say how sorry they were that josquin has passed. I kept it together long enough to get back in the cab before I started to cry. Holding one cat in one arm and another in the other, sloshing around in the back of the cab while I just wished I was home....where a third cat waited to show me love and affection. It was a little more than I could take.

I miss Josquin terribly. His death, though short and relatively pain free still haunts me. I still have tons of guilt around his death-being away from him that last week and wondering if I had not left, would he still be here? that I had to leave him alone when he was so sick? My mind races...I can't stop it. Even though Nathaniel is here and getting acclimated and that draws a lot of my attention, I cannot stop feeling like I let him down in some ways. Maybe that is something I will need to work on as time goes on and the hurt is less. God knows my heart is still hurting. Until the day I cross the rainbow bridge and we get to laugh and romp together again....Until then old friend...don't forget Daddy misses and loves you always.

The Post-Josquin World

Ugh, I'm just a mess. Taking Josquin's body to the Vet to have him cremated was like an out of body experience. There were other people waiting there in the office when I arrived. The clerk asked "Can I help you?" I answered yes, and that I 'had a body for them' because I couldn't manage to get the words "Yes, I have my dead cat in a box here wrapped in a towel. I just watched him die not even an hour ago now I have to say goodbye forever" out of my mouth.

You could have heard a pin drop. Everybody knew-and once I confirmed that "its Josquin" people realized it was not some roadkill but my beloved pet-it stayed that way. Luckily he took the box away quickly-and I didn't have to linger on thoughts about holding his dead body. It was just a shell a that point, albeit a furry one! I managed to keep it together long enough to mumble something about a credit card number(thank you honey) and where they could reach me. "He said "Sorry about your kitty" and said thanks, grabbed the receipt and walked out the door. 15 feet later my face was drenched. I felt this huuuuge empty space open up in my life. Josquin had always been my cat-I picked him out myself-and having spent so much time and energy and emotions in the process of caring for him this last year-I felt like a ship cut loose from its moorings. I decided to walk the 2 miles home through the city shrouded in fog, through golden gate park and the beautiful pan handle full of trees and flowers. I took pictures and thought about places where a small token portion of his ashes will be spread. The rest will stay with me, but I don't know where I can keep them. I can barely look at pictures of Josquin right now without bursting into tears. I hope I am able to pull it together to make a small pictorial memorial of him....and let me tell you this cat was a serious ham...and very pretty to boot. There are a LOT of pictures...so it will be both funny and sad, poignant and beautiful.

Tweed has spent a good portion of the day looking around the house, as well as last night. I think it is starting to dawn on him that Josquin is "not here" anywhere. Having grown up together their lives were, for better or worse, fairly intertwined. He has to be feeling the vacuum like I am. Several times now I have seen him standing in the hall pointed toward the door. His bed sits empty near the patio door and no one comes to clean the top of his head while he is napping. Life will be different now-for both of us. I just have to give him enough love for two right now. Hold steady kitty...hold tight.

the best way to mend a broken heart is to fall in love again-I will have two cats again-but a new friend for me and Tweed. I'll admit I already went to the SPCA's cat page and looked over older cats. When I looked at Tweed and Josquin's adoption papers after Josquin passed, I realized they had been adopted in October-which isn't that far away but not tomorrow. Maybe Josquin was just being timely, making way for some other cat to be a part of my life, not unlike Bruce, Bob and I. There are forces at work that cannot be explained. The way the universe folds on itself is not privy to me-but I'll keep at it. As long as I can have cats. :)

Josquin Davis ( 1998 - 2011 )

This afternoon when I went to give Josquin his medications, I found him in Mark's office under a folding table. When I called his name, instead of getting up, he rolled his head over to look at me. His eyes were wide and I could tell something was wrong. I reached through the table legs to pick him up. He was responsive but limp like a rag doll. When I put him on the bed to give his meds, he couldn't stand up and kept flopping over. I put a little baby food on my finger and put it in front of his mouth but he wouldn't touch it. He kept trying to get up and wanted off the bed. I moved him to the floor where he proceeded to try and crawl into a corner. He began panting heavily and slobbering, continuing to try and hide. I knew he was dying then. I tried making him as comfortable as possible and made sure he wasn't bumping into things. Finally he stopped struggling. His breathing slowed and his body began to twitch, followed by small grunts and sighs. I held him gently as he let out his last few breaths and then he was still. I stroked his head and petted him from one end to the other then I kissed him goodbye.

Goodnight sweet prince, may there be endless fields of mice and catnip wherever you roam....You made me laugh, drove me crazy, made me cry like a baby AND we had LOADS of fun together. You were with me through some of the worst times in my life-and I never would have gotten through them without you. You taught me a lot about being gentle and loving-and you were a good brother to Tweed too. In the end, you taught me about grace and reminded me about the circle of life-to appreciate what we have when we have it. I hope that I did right by you even though I wasn't always at my best. You set a benchmark for every other cat that comes after you-and there will never be another like you. Missing you terribly already...Your Papa, Steve.

Two Strings

should I write your story
a thousand lengths
of string?
time for you
to bathe in glory
Two separate stories
written together
how many crumpled pieces
of paper became imaginary mice
From sprint to crawl
we caught them all
and since..

I know nothing lasts forever
I've learned to get used to
an ever changing weather
plenty memories too
like a ball of yawn
that goes on and on
like all your lives
that pass through mine
I've been here before
with a hundred sighs
on the edge
of a cat's eye
we'll meet and play
and laugh in dreams
where just as you say
we never die.

This One Is Better

Face to face with Cuteness!!!!