From October to Afternoon / 145 Seconds / The Light Pours Out of me

The Needless And The Damage Done / Heiresy

boundless streams
of the same old story
retold an infinitum
muscles contract
old trees split
for the hollow absence
to take shape
as bikes pedal themselves
clocks unwind
descend and prattle
out of time
in halos.

his face was
wet leaves lashed over
like appliques
anointed teardrops
for the unholy
trinity
friends, family
failures fractured
like antique vases
dropped by careless
derelicts into
the sea.

of soapbox derby
plaid shirts and dustbowl
smiles filled with razors
paradoxically family infirmary infinity
insanity irritability
measured by proximity
forged in the outer limits
like lovers in the Boar's war
desiring nothingness
in the absence
of uncertainty curtailed
to a snail's pace
and sleep.

--------

You hate me
then you complain when I'm not around
You refuse to get to know me
then claim you don't understand
You put endless hurdles in my way of staying close to you
then complain I am distant
You wish I was around more
then create opportunities that don't include me-on purpose.
Seriously, fuck off.
No wonder dealing with family makes me feel like I am crazy.
hey if the straight jacket fits?
Enough!
I'm not going out of my way anymore.
you want help? help yourself.
I'm not a punching bag here to squeeze good intentions out of when it serves
your purposes.
I don't want to know.
I don't care anymore.
you can't complain about the distance
when its YOUR fucking arm in between that's holding us apart.
one would think you would care more, give a shit, make an effort at least based on previous
grievances. Now you can take all those excuses and reasons and blow them out of your box. take your game of smoke and mirrors and go play with someone who gives a fuck.

Sometimes It Snows In April

Sometimes It Snows In April - Prince

Tracy died soon after a long fought civil war,
just after I'd wiped away his last tear
I guess he's better off than he was before,
A whole lot better off than the fools he left here
I used 2 cry 4 Tracy because he was my only friend
Those kind of cars don't pass u every day
I used 2 cry 4 Tracy because I wanted to see him again,
But sometimes sometimes life ain't always the way...

Sometimes it snows in April
Sometimes I feel so bad, so bad
Sometimes I wish life was never ending,
and all good things, they say, never last

Springtime was always my favorite time of year,
A time 4 lovers holding hands in the rain
Now springtime only reminds me of Tracy's tears
Always cry 4 love, never cry 4 pain
He used 2 say so strong unafraid to die
Unafraid of the death that left me hypnotized
No, staring at his picture I realized
No one could cry the way my Tracy cried

Sometimes it snows in April
Sometimes I feel so bad
Sometimes, sometimes I wish that life was never ending,
And all good things, they say, never last

I often dream of heaven and I know that Tracy's there
I know that he has found another friend
Maybe he's found the answer 2 all the April snow
Maybe one day I'll see my Tracy again

Sometimes it snows in April
Sometimes I feel so bad, so bad
Sometimes I wish that life was never ending,
But all good things, they say, never last

All good things that say, never last
And love, it isn't love until it's past
---------------

The reason I got in to music is because it was where I found people who could say what I couldn't. This has always been a good song, written about a friend of Prince's who died of cancer. Probably as close to a lament as he ever wrote concerning the loss of something or someone important. For all his bump and grind, his ridiculous current belief systems, this song has always stuck with me. And it certain fits right now for how I am feeling about Josquin-certainly 'the way my tracy cried' because no one did or could like Josquin. Not unlike having a piece of your heart taken away. the blood rushes back in to fill the hole in but the well of souls has no bottom, just another opening at the other end so the blood just pours and pours in.

Tweed looks for him endlessly and cries. He sits at the bathroom door and cries. He creeps around in Mark's office and sits blankly by the scratching posts waiting for his friend to come out. I know there is nothing I can do for him except hug him and hold him and pet him but its unbearably frustrating for me. I didn't count on internalizing grief for other pets. In my naivety I wrong assumed they would die really close together of old age. Josquin's passing didn't shock me beyond the trauma of watching him die in front of my eyes, but its starting to dawn on me that this is heavier than I have the ability to just work through in terms of the trauma. I feel devastated. Josquin was no goldfish-he taught me to to look at animal/human relationships in a whole new way and totally changed the way I thought about cats as well. Still trying to work my up to that slideshow. I figure I should master putting clothes on and leaving the house first. Its going to take me a while to pull up these socks. Missing you Buddy.