That Books Should Find Hollow Spaces To Fill

my suit catches
fire again
on closed circuit
television
the lens fails to capture
the texture of my
textile reminder
to find
the expression
the respect for dissection
sharp instruments
and destination gasses
in the
repetition frames
glazed with the
space bar
drinks in the afterzone
blanketed by
astral girls
and stars like pearls
exploded across
dimensions
that we wasted
we were trying to find anything
anyone left
who was living
before
we stuffed any one
into the ovens or the homes
and forgot them
(bang)
white lights
explosions
hello...?
just pick up
just a voice to ease the pain
just another bout
of wrongful information
terminated while receiving
broken interception
discovered covered with blood
upon
disco very tired to train the same
but the name is scrubbed
until your are lone
until you are done
until you turn into a butterfly
or a dove
or just left like a piece of felt
mashed into the mud
totally submerged and
numb another number on a bullet
in a gun measured out in cups
no more pain
the gods are coming again
the ship is done
it only comes to take one
like some floating balloon
off to the moon
when I thought the clock
had come to take me
a vow to the silence
dream avoidance
and the screams
of the last light
-------------------
(unfinished)

Still Beating / Moving, Counting

isn't that what we all want?
a hand to hold
us in the darkness
someone close
who we surely know
will protect us.
not to be alone
in a cage
but full of love
and to be saved
from whatever loss
might be in store
and the coldness of the winter
and those whose lives
it helps endure
a little sunlight
I bring to you
I don't know
your name
yet but someday
soon
a new name
an old game
to play again
and some new heart
to fill with love
I surely still
have to give again.

Xmas is here! / Art is near! / Kitties are dear!

Ev'ry Time We Say Goodbye A Little

These last two are the last pictures I ever took of Tweed and I together. The first one is really the last time we got to play, taken late Sunday evening. He used to do the cutest thing and pull my hand towards his chest with one paw when he was feeling better and let me rub his tummy-this is the last time I got to do that with him although my hand is out of camera sight, it is lying gently more against than 'on' so I didn't add any unnecessary weight. It had been a while since he had done this particular behavior so Sunday night, the last night he seemed to be hanging in there, I got out my camera. I got out my phone. I took copious pictures. Tweed managed not only to tolerate me snapping in his face(on silent mode of course) and taking several videos, including what turned out to be his final vocalizing, taken Saturday night. I will forever be thankful to Robert for not only being my pillar through all this, covering the financial aspects and being with me tuesday. If he hadn't suggested this I would have been so wrapped up in the 'now' I wouldn't have had any space to think about recording anything. I even managed to capture something I rarely did on film which is him swishing around his little paw in his water bowl before drinking. IN all these years I had never managed to get a shot. He somehow was actually strong enough to stand on three legs(he wobbled a lot though) with one paw in the water, then in his mouth, then back in the water until he finally felt safe to drink. more is coming but i am out of energy to write anything else tonight

For Tweed - part I

I only want you to rest
no heaviness or painful hungering
no dull ache
in your chest
thousands of memories
cheerful times
and joyful
declivities
with so many in back
and so few left
to go
I call your name
and think of good times
again
you
as a kitten
small, shy
the last of your
band of brothers
to find somewhere
forever
for keeping my chair warm
the merry go round cat
who loved Loved LOVED
being spun around in chairs
until literally dizzy
then he'd jump back in and say
"lets do it again!"
the funniest habit of
swishing his paw around in the water
bowl until deciding it was
'Tweed approved"
and then drinking normally.
it won't be the same christmas without you and your
brother josquin who will
forever have a home on my tree
you have both
forever changed
the course and length of my life
for all your howling yowling
and endless meowing
you maybe never knew this
but you felt it
that you kept me from killing myself
back in 2007,
and all of 2005
when we all moved together
and put up with some really odd situations
and you were with me
through all of it
and you still loved me
even when I moved
again and
again.
you made friends with dogs!
My sisters two yappy little ones
but you soon won them over
even 'sleeping with the enemy'
when I was out of town
you could make friends with anyone
who would give you a chance
and we'd dance around the room
like two fools
listening to Squeeze sing
"Cool For Cats"
Josquin taught you to talk
but you did it your own way
and never has a cat sounded more
like a cranky old man
than you did.
you started off as "Speedy"
which I hated,
Lee named you Tweedy
as in Tweedy Bird
which I thought was lame
and so Tweed you became
a little old sounding man in a tweed coat
and the prettiest green eyes
I've yet seen on a cat
a rambunctious funny chittering cat
who was virtually never ill
until almost the end
I want nothing for you
other than the most happiness
and barring that, the least suffering.
I know its time because you are not your old self
your eyes are dimmed and I know your constant
pacing and movement indicate discomfort
I think not about how much time is left
but of how much time we've had
and in the inbetween time
When you see your old friend and brother Josquin
there is plenty of grass
to run in again
lot of toys
and the BEST snacks
So its not ever goodbye
its until we meet again
old friend.
--------

Cats are reincarnated Gay men

Only Love Keeps Us Alive

until it circles back
and we all
are fire
angels in
some grand
parade

Between Everything And Nothing Is The Absolute

where the directionless
wandering
which way does
the wind blow
does it take
100,000 glasses
wine, blood or memories
to bring
a blush
to the snow
rotund and white and dormant
like huge some
monumental Christo
sculptures made
out of air
looking at
sideways
escaping passes
of fair flames
hot orange snakes
and pain
that washes away
if I could
there would
be more harmony
more minutes
less deleted scenes
can't you see
everything that happens between now
and this
is captured
in dreams
or in colors
lost in a
forgotten breeze
last rites
last nights rescinded
the hand ticks one more
over and then
never will
it tick in time
again.

Cat Foods

There are a lot of cat foods, wet ones in particular, that feature phosphorus as a ingredient even though its terrible for cats with low kidney functioning. Oddly enough its seems its the 'holistic' and all natural ones that often feature this-plus it is often added as a vegetable matter preservative even though cats are obligate carnivores and don't process any real nutritional value from vegetable matter. So when you see foods that have peas, carrots, green beans they generally have higher levels of phosphorus added in the mix. Same goes for Fish based foods, its loaded with them. Which is why I will never feed my cats tuna out of can EVER again even as a treat. Water from the tuna(not oil) is okay poured over other dry kibble foods at a treat but no more of the tuna itself, even low sodium varieties.

Questions for Dr. Ina

1. he is now experiencing what appears to be diarrhea and a slightly sore or irritated anus. Is this because he is still dehydrated or from the antibiotics? If it is should he be on Mitranidizole to keep that under control. It seems like the treatment may keep him dehydrated if it persists since is he eating/drinking so little.

2. Should I be looking for way to make him eat? is it better that he eats a certain amount of food? I know he is weak and part of his bathroom trouble is around being too weak. He pooped on the bathroom floor and on my bed today. Is this "overflow incontinence"? I have a feeling it is because is is too weak/constipated or still dehydrated. Is it possible that the kidney infection came from a UTI? if so would that be kick using the same antibiotic?

3. Since lack of appetite from the pain of the infection has kept him from eating, Would putting him a low does of steroids boost his appetite without hurting him?

3. Ask about what the final stages of kidney failure will look like so I can avoid any unnecessary or prolonged pain. Other than obvious physical signs like crying or deep breathing, what should I look for?

as of today he is still cleaning, still purring. His eyes and ears look okay. I shove his favorite treats at him every time I interact with him. he has eaten at least three teaspoons full of treats today. I gave him some this morning. Mark gave him some this afternoon while he was upstairs, I gave him some this afternoon in my room and then he ate about 6 or 7 when he got his evening fluids. I just gave him 3 more now. I measured out that many into an empty fancy feast can and it just about fills it up. Plus I gave him some fresh ground turkey(first time ever) just to see if he would take some. He did, about 3 thimbles full by my eye. I am guessing that he has eaten about 1+1/4 cans of food. He licked a few times in the wet fancy feast tuna but didn't touch it after that. Maybe tomorrow I will try the packaged low sodium tuna and see if that works. Heck, I am just trying anything at this point. anything....

Meh...

This is so hard dealing with Tweed being sick, knowing that every night I spend with hi next to me in bed may be his last, after already losing Josquin and then Mack. Its too much at once. I know that is how life comes at you and I should put on my big boy pants but I just want to crawl into a corner and make all the bad stuff...I don't know...somehow less achingly sad? Thinking about food and work and timing Tweed's meds, projects on the go, job hunting which is just sucking balls right now. I had a nice phone conversation with a man at Kohler, who was recruiting people willing to relocate(not paid for) to a unpaid internship. He jokingly said "If I have to sift through another 3,000 resumes I'll keel." "really, 3,000?" I said. "well, actually its closer to 3,200-something but its sucks because now EVERYONE is overqualified because people that were formerly white collar are now after essentially blue collar jobs, so you get stuff like lawyers trying to work as secretaries, programmers used to making 6 figures now going for administrative jobs making $60,000. Kind of scary."

Babe...I'm just hanging on a clock. without you..I shudder to think....really terrifying.

Mr. Mooshy Face

Note to Self II

"Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for." -Epicurus

Feels Like 100 Centuries Of Darkness Coming

walking fast
breathing quick
never going to get up
from this daydream/nighttime
pull the blankets tight time
taking a lick and ticking away
I can hear my breath inside
whispering/hammering that everything
will be
alright
someone is coming
holding boxes
being outfoxed
being out run
in the race between times
when there is blood on your shoulder
and another year of age has taken hold

breathing in quick
the cold is coming fast to hold your sleeve
beating fast
and breathing my way nightmares out of here
a beacon to claim
a beacon to calm
something for me
to remember
in the midst of the worst
storm in 17 centuries
centurions fight
on the banks of the river of midnight
rolling in sand
reprimand in hand
not to forgive you
to forgive you
for not being prefect
again, for not being perfect
for not saving me...
and the lesson learned
when your cry is silent
and I lay up nights desperate
and perturbed
full of stars and
sadness that we've
visited before

Tweed, Sending out good energy to you....

Well, Tweed is at the vet tonight. I think this is the first time He has been away all night without me so he probably scared. Fuck...I'M scared. Vet said he is indeed under weight. When he was in there in August 31st he weighed 10.4 lbs. Today he weighed only 9 lbs. That is a huge difference in just under three months. One kidney is swollen and he had some poop on his rump and paws. Signs that he is too tired/weak/sick to clean himself or go the bathroom without effort. I had sensed he was wobbly a day ago and thought it might have been because he had just woken from a nap. Combined with the lethargy and bathroom issues, lack of eating and general change in demeanor I just knew something was wrong. He had to go in but it just shot the whole day, and though Bart was cool, I feel shitty for delaying the project on a day we could have worked a whole day. Blood and Urine Tests tomorrow probably, maybe x-rays....sigh.

In a boat without a mast again, trapped in a time without time, between time. Suddenly everything is slowed down. time stops but, in a matrix-like fashion, some things are running on their own systems. Going through Josquin's old medications last night just set me off and today didn't help, being torn in so many directions and so by so many degrees. I just couldn't deal at the vet. I could barely keep it together and thought when I was finally able to go, that I could get outside, dawn my dark glasses and cry a little(ok, a lot) but when I finally got outside, it was overcast, dark and the air was moist with low fog. Glasses would make me virtually blind. fuck it, I'll just walk through the park and cry...so that is what I did. the nice thing about GG Park is there are a number of places to step off the well trodden path and smoke something. I realized it was either that or bump into another tree because I was crying so hard I couldn't see straight. I finally got it together when I hit the pan handle and came across a huge group of quasi homeless folks, street freaks and Occupy This Sidewalk Park people and I remembered where I was.

I went to Amoeba records to just look around. I thought some low grade retail therapy would help. There is a new re-issue of a single by morrissey with unreleased demo as a b-side I picked that up used and bought "the Crazies" a horror film from a few years back I wanted to see but was unwillingto fork out $20/popcorn for it. $3.99 however is a lot better and seeing as I really needed something to take my mind off things, nothing works like an off the wall post apocalyptic disease/zombie movie set in a small town. Well, that and some rum and coke, some herb and lots and lots of cleaning, washing, totally cleaning my curtains and redesigning my window treatment. Matt Johnson...sell me some wisdom, baby...

"No more blood
and no more pain
in our
kingdom of rain"

Today I finally bought myself some razors, paper towels and sponges. Bought a pretty cool antique looking Marconi style light bulb at Cliff's for my super tall triangle stand lamp. Now I just need to get a shade for it. I should just buy a cheap used harp and find some wire and make my own shade. Something modern with clean lines. I was thinking tall and cylindrical with some cool cut outs so it throws a pattern on the wall. (stop me if it sounds like I am going to clutch my hands, gasp and make a scrunched up face...where is my fucking NYTimes article?).

Oh Tweed...I love you with all my heart and hope that you are feeling better tomorrow. I am sorry I wanted to leave you at the vet but Daddy was paranoid you were so sick that you might die if he took you home without vet people around to save you. I PROMISE I will pick you up...er, later today and bring you home. I know you will feel better. I'll have your blanket warm and ready for you when you get home.

Deep breath...

another Deep breath...not of air....

Sigh....hang in there...everyone!

No One Can Stop What You Started

this is when I was looking for you
the memories are hazy
some tiny amount of love
cut through the haze
but I wasn't sure
I should dare
my hands shake
above the keys
like stuttering
from some
unnamed, welcome
but well known
disease
upended in
trance
It seems I
am with
you,
this mental image
imaginary snapshot
taken back in time
how before "we never met" until
that point,
does it matter?
do I care?
in the bigger neon gleaming
suspended-by daydreams
moments
I don't seem to catch myself
naked, disillusioned
anymore...

He Was Married To Mr Insanity

Argh fucking argh! what the fuck is wrong with Mark that he has to lock the fucking deadbolt when a trick comes over? Even though he himself doesn't have a key for it, even though he KNOWS DAMN WELL I DON'T HAVE A KEY EITHER, he will wait upstairs for a trick then have the TRICK 'lock the door behind them' which is fine in and of itself, but the trick locks the DEADBOLT, not the door itself-which I DO have the key for.

So it has happened again. This is the 4th time this has happened. 4 fucking times he was too lazy to meet his trick at the door so they can...what...enjoy the mystique of walking through a disorderly house strewn with packing materials, dusty glass, semi trash items and dark musty hasn't been washed in years carpet? Oh the lust! what the fucking christ-on-crutches point is there? To wade through all that crap and find...Mark? And for that added attraction I get to wait out on the carpeted steps in the freeze ass cold, with my hot dinner stone cold, my ice cream/sorbet melted and everything else soaked with moisture from the aforementioned sweating. Run me up and down the staircase a few times, knocking/banging/kicking the door and holding the buzzer down all got me nothing but sore bruised knuckles and out of breath. I finally remembered his number after dialing half of SF and 5 phone calls later(including one to the police asking what I could do/what they could do) it finally dawned on him that the incessant banging/phone ringing he was hearing was actually REAL.

He came down, a mere 45 minutes later. of course sheepishly he answered the door saying "sorry" and I just about got out "I don't want to talk....to you."

good for you Steve! Way to make another day sucky all around Mr. Dreier! God I have to get the hell out of here....

Reasons to Be Cheerful

Beset By Faded Inscriptions

passions were ignited
by firelight
candles died
and were invited
to become shadows
or frosted patches on the trees
the bubbling sounds
and water borne bugs
dancing, late
on kirlian silhouettes,
by day
fire dances
motions, humming, bright
and forces
that laugh at us
in our twilight
radiate for no meaning
shine, fighting back
no darkness without
some laughter
beset.

don't just stand there

eh, proposed track listing?

Luxe Universe LP / nostalgic futurists
----------
jesus_jesus/intro
timepiece
echovib
tonedrive
tone(deaf)(tasha's mix)
your funeral
kingdom keys
troubled beat
christina samba
fixed vision
Descartes vs dogma
*untitled piece by tasha

Extra track: music for driving in the rain


Peppermint Jars EP / starspring
----------
knock knock
immerse
trance dials in the shape of shells
opaque sound formations
atonal_Bop

Tasha and I need to do a little more recording to finish the album but most of my tracks are recorded for the peppermint jars compositions.