Ashes to Ashes to Josquin

Today I picked up Josquin's ashes from the vet. I never thought I could be as sad as I was this afternoon. Even though Tweed was given the thumbs up, I couldn't stop thinking about Josquin. His urn is nice-aromatic cedar with a little panel in the front for a picture and a nice card from the place who did the cremation. Several techs and people at the vet's office came up to me to say how sorry they were that josquin has passed. I kept it together long enough to get back in the cab before I started to cry. Holding one cat in one arm and another in the other, sloshing around in the back of the cab while I just wished I was home....where a third cat waited to show me love and affection. It was a little more than I could take.

I miss Josquin terribly. His death, though short and relatively pain free still haunts me. I still have tons of guilt around his death-being away from him that last week and wondering if I had not left, would he still be here? that I had to leave him alone when he was so sick? My mind races...I can't stop it. Even though Nathaniel is here and getting acclimated and that draws a lot of my attention, I cannot stop feeling like I let him down in some ways. Maybe that is something I will need to work on as time goes on and the hurt is less. God knows my heart is still hurting. Until the day I cross the rainbow bridge and we get to laugh and romp together again....Until then old friend...don't forget Daddy misses and loves you always.

New Kitty Alert!!!

This dear boy is Nathanial. He is an owner surrender, and was very frightened at first to find himself at the shelter, but with a lot of TLC from the shelter staff and volunteers, Nathanial has come around. He is a mellow, gentle fellow who would love to be your new companion and snuggle bear, as you can see from the video on this page. Come meet Nathanial today and give this sweet boy a good home!

Yummy "Big Nate" Davis

Welcome Home Nathanial!!! I promise to show you oodles of love and do my best to help you get to know Tweed. So nice to have you here! Yay!

Only Yesterday Dealt

ride your scooter
your flowing skirt
ripples into the night
full of skeletons
 a deck of cards
and a map without names
only for streetlights
tucked deftly in your shirt
for the long road and getting lost
dealing comic books, nakedness and gasoline
and diamonds and drugs
push pins and evil
narcotic minions deep in a
velvet dream.

Devo Live - Girl U Want

Wow, This Sounds Like Tweed

"Hello, I am Milton, a 12 year old neutered male with black short hair. I have a very curious nature and love exploring and meeting new people. Im very outgoing and affectionate. Given half a chance I will take over any lap until Im kicked out and reward you with purrs and head butts. Im gentle and calm and would make a great companion. Please ask for Milton, ID# A499540"

Ripple

to have someone else
and their spirit
inside you
madness is no escape
madness is the refuge of scoundrels
clouds to create dark spots to run under
clouds in memory / to waive your hands around
in some desperate search for meaning
have I learned to run
have I learned how hard I can fall
If I could
this would seem fearless
these people would not be on fire
these people wouldn't be etched
into memory
for falling
out of god's hands
into the sky
dry leaves
falling from a tree
like the consuming spark
falls molten through (like a liquid) buildings
on fire in foreign shapes
wriggle through loops where
time swallowed itself
like entropy (ripples)
we're racing toward it
peeling off dark matter / new variables
like so many parchment jackhammers
rediscovered backstage (taped under tarps)
disguised as red
balloons.

More New Kitty Research Type-stuff

Issue about Cats to remember:

1. Although a cute kitten is nice, I need a cat that is either closer in temperament to Tweed or closer in age. A young adult cat, even if spayed will be very rambunctious and slightly aggressive, which is part of cats being that age. However, having that energy directed at an older cat may actually be stressful. I would consider it, but it would mean having to spend a good time longer on adjusting them and behavioral training. I know there are ways to help do this but it has been a while since I have merged to differing cats who weren't raised together. Perhaps an older male or middle aged female.

2. I can love nearly any cat-even an indifferent one-but for Tweed there is a lot more at stake in terms of breaking up his routines. Another cat, a new cat, will certainly require him changing his patterns, perhaps across the board. Sleeping and play areas, eating, food types and litterbox use will all shift-I may need to add a second litter box. They will need to get used to each other. Things like shared grooming may take a while to kick in. I do think if I end up with a younger cat that I should again have a place where the cats can play that is devoted to them, where they can look out over their space-my room currently-and be able to climb-maybe by my window. Cats are BIG on vertical space. . Even though Tweed is unlikely to use it as much, for exercise reasons, I think it is essential for younger cats. Truth be told, even with the co-mourning Tweed and I have been doing, I have been trying to get Tweed to play, both to gauge his potential activity level for another cat and to check his health. Not being able to really play and romp with Josquin these last few months has really meant that Tweed also has gotten less physical activity(not unlike his owner). I was sort of pleasantly surprised by his vigor when he played with his new 'hot dog' catnip toy. I tossed it around on top of the bed for a few minutes and he chased it, clawed at it and chewed on it like he was a rascally kitten again. He wasn't eating as much as he used the last few days which I have worried about-but today he ate and pooped more-and I hope that is a trend that continues. He seems like he is at a good weight right now and it would be nice for him to stay there if possible.

There is much to do, and many other items that I need to finish first(like Golden Boy) which I haven't forgot about, and medical coverage stuff-and looking for work. That is all in process...but right now its a lot.

Baby, Where Would I Be Without You?

Why Lie, I'm Struggling...

Been looking on the net the last couple of days in trying to deal with everything. Found this via Catster:

Pet Cat Bereavment
For many of us the loss of a cat is comparable to the loss of a family member, partner, or best friend. Here are some steps that may guide and support you through the grieving process:

• Allow yourself to grieve. Take time to process your feelings. Remember that other pets and family members are grieving also and may need more attention during this transitional phase.
(working on this one)
• Surround yourself with people who empathize with your loss rather than trivialize it. If you don't have friends and family members that understand your grief, do not be afraid to seek help. There are many options ranging from bereavement counseling to pet loss hotlines and online support groups.
(done)
• Honor your cat's memory by creating a memorial, writing a letter or poem to your cat or donating your time or money to an animal welfare organization on behalf of your cat.
(done and done and done)
• Focus on positive memories with your beloved cat and try to put aside those that are more painful.
(this is a work in progress-all memories seem rather painful to recall now)
• Take care of yourself. Exercise, eat right and stick to your normal routine as best you can. The sooner your life returns to normal, the better you'll feel.
(I know, I know...this is probably the area I need the most work)
• Consider adopting a new cat, not to replace the one you lost, but to share the future with.
(how odd that the last one on the list seems the most likely to help)

From Here To You

Here I am again
like the tape playing backwards
those sessions in 96'
where we tried our hand
at being bedroom geniuses
the guitar with a short
and the missing notes
now playing between
the two of us
we look into space
or outside ourselves
from someone we're expecting
to come back through the door
the strange noises
replaced by silence
but heard anyway
the brush of a tail
in the corner of my eye
you're still here running
around where I can't see
Other eyes have seen you
retired your favorite toys
your blanket and some dreams
has it only been a week
since you broke my heart?

Untitled # 234

the sky was not yet storm filled
like it had been in those photographs
from far away
with dark clouds and doubt
and unknown pains at a distance
the sound of desperate breathing
in the last few seconds fading
embracing as all
those mortal blockades
fall away like clay
were you paralized
staring down death
without regrets
head back looking
at the sky
like Ophelia
eyes wide
clutching at one
last sprig of
hemlock leaves
flowers grown on the
gates of wisdom.
we were driving
in the same canyon
I couldn't leave you stranded
 you fed me when I was famished
 you showed me a path I thought vanished
  where the car couldn't go
   where the map didn't show
where we meet again
someplace safe
beside a stream
you park the car
inside a dream
(breakdown)
(breakdown)
(breakdown)
(breakdown)
(............)
windowsills meet the dawn
another shade away from anguish...
Make vet appointment for Tweed
Hide head under pillow
close eyes tightly

Second Acts (the whole universe explained by half)

come walk with me
don't fade away
weird steps
new worlds
and we'll dance through
turn dark thoughts
into new light
where innocence
has lead astray
tested for breaking
points silenced isolated
locked away with silent screams

but...now
there are a hundred fiery stars
the fresh sun will still rise
the flesh that moved like a still life
and was consumed by flame
will melt again, brought down
to stay here for a while
the whole thing is too short
the old reel flaps
slaps cuts edits reframes
some fantasy of perfect gardens
green overfull concrete hardening
before a second act is formulated
we are all transcending
found, finding, hiding
as we fall from grace
life's song hidden in a slip case
your haunted name
my haunted face
goodnight kitty
in outer space.

Untitled # 233

For every hole
for every dark place
there is a ladder
to crawl out on
to count every rung
all the bells are ringing
fate lays no easy roads
no finished stories
or half remembered dreams
you have to climb
all the steps
through the clouds
'til you reach
the unfinishing sky
where everything
returns.

You're Remembered When I Call Your Name

I promise I'll do my best to take care of Tweed. Help me find a friend for him, okay?

Sometimes It Snows In April

Sometimes It Snows In April - Prince

Tracy died soon after a long fought civil war,
just after I'd wiped away his last tear
I guess he's better off than he was before,
A whole lot better off than the fools he left here
I used 2 cry 4 Tracy because he was my only friend
Those kind of cars don't pass u every day
I used 2 cry 4 Tracy because I wanted to see him again,
But sometimes sometimes life ain't always the way...

Sometimes it snows in April
Sometimes I feel so bad, so bad
Sometimes I wish life was never ending,
and all good things, they say, never last

Springtime was always my favorite time of year,
A time 4 lovers holding hands in the rain
Now springtime only reminds me of Tracy's tears
Always cry 4 love, never cry 4 pain
He used 2 say so strong unafraid to die
Unafraid of the death that left me hypnotized
No, staring at his picture I realized
No one could cry the way my Tracy cried

Sometimes it snows in April
Sometimes I feel so bad
Sometimes, sometimes I wish that life was never ending,
And all good things, they say, never last

I often dream of heaven and I know that Tracy's there
I know that he has found another friend
Maybe he's found the answer 2 all the April snow
Maybe one day I'll see my Tracy again

Sometimes it snows in April
Sometimes I feel so bad, so bad
Sometimes I wish that life was never ending,
But all good things, they say, never last

All good things that say, never last
And love, it isn't love until it's past
---------------

The reason I got in to music is because it was where I found people who could say what I couldn't. This has always been a good song, written about a friend of Prince's who died of cancer. Probably as close to a lament as he ever wrote concerning the loss of something or someone important. For all his bump and grind, his ridiculous current belief systems, this song has always stuck with me. And it certain fits right now for how I am feeling about Josquin-certainly 'the way my tracy cried' because no one did or could like Josquin. Not unlike having a piece of your heart taken away. the blood rushes back in to fill the hole in but the well of souls has no bottom, just another opening at the other end so the blood just pours and pours in.

Tweed looks for him endlessly and cries. He sits at the bathroom door and cries. He creeps around in Mark's office and sits blankly by the scratching posts waiting for his friend to come out. I know there is nothing I can do for him except hug him and hold him and pet him but its unbearably frustrating for me. I didn't count on internalizing grief for other pets. In my naivety I wrong assumed they would die really close together of old age. Josquin's passing didn't shock me beyond the trauma of watching him die in front of my eyes, but its starting to dawn on me that this is heavier than I have the ability to just work through in terms of the trauma. I feel devastated. Josquin was no goldfish-he taught me to to look at animal/human relationships in a whole new way and totally changed the way I thought about cats as well. Still trying to work my up to that slideshow. I figure I should master putting clothes on and leaving the house first. Its going to take me a while to pull up these socks. Missing you Buddy.

Elegy For Josquin

the stars fell from the sky
into an empty spot
at the edge of the bed.
soft furry sounds,
something warm and round
gone from the place
it used to be.

The Post-Josquin World

Ugh, I'm just a mess. Taking Josquin's body to the Vet to have him cremated was like an out of body experience. There were other people waiting there in the office when I arrived. The clerk asked "Can I help you?" I answered yes, and that I 'had a body for them' because I couldn't manage to get the words "Yes, I have my dead cat in a box here wrapped in a towel. I just watched him die not even an hour ago now I have to say goodbye forever" out of my mouth.

You could have heard a pin drop. Everybody knew-and once I confirmed that "its Josquin" people realized it was not some roadkill but my beloved pet-it stayed that way. Luckily he took the box away quickly-and I didn't have to linger on thoughts about holding his dead body. It was just a shell a that point, albeit a furry one! I managed to keep it together long enough to mumble something about a credit card number(thank you honey) and where they could reach me. "He said "Sorry about your kitty" and said thanks, grabbed the receipt and walked out the door. 15 feet later my face was drenched. I felt this huuuuge empty space open up in my life. Josquin had always been my cat-I picked him out myself-and having spent so much time and energy and emotions in the process of caring for him this last year-I felt like a ship cut loose from its moorings. I decided to walk the 2 miles home through the city shrouded in fog, through golden gate park and the beautiful pan handle full of trees and flowers. I took pictures and thought about places where a small token portion of his ashes will be spread. The rest will stay with me, but I don't know where I can keep them. I can barely look at pictures of Josquin right now without bursting into tears. I hope I am able to pull it together to make a small pictorial memorial of him....and let me tell you this cat was a serious ham...and very pretty to boot. There are a LOT of pictures...so it will be both funny and sad, poignant and beautiful.

Tweed has spent a good portion of the day looking around the house, as well as last night. I think it is starting to dawn on him that Josquin is "not here" anywhere. Having grown up together their lives were, for better or worse, fairly intertwined. He has to be feeling the vacuum like I am. Several times now I have seen him standing in the hall pointed toward the door. His bed sits empty near the patio door and no one comes to clean the top of his head while he is napping. Life will be different now-for both of us. I just have to give him enough love for two right now. Hold steady kitty...hold tight.

the best way to mend a broken heart is to fall in love again-I will have two cats again-but a new friend for me and Tweed. I'll admit I already went to the SPCA's cat page and looked over older cats. When I looked at Tweed and Josquin's adoption papers after Josquin passed, I realized they had been adopted in October-which isn't that far away but not tomorrow. Maybe Josquin was just being timely, making way for some other cat to be a part of my life, not unlike Bruce, Bob and I. There are forces at work that cannot be explained. The way the universe folds on itself is not privy to me-but I'll keep at it. As long as I can have cats. :)

For Josquin

From Red, Hot and Blue-my favorite version of this song ever-sung beautifully by Annie Lennox...for Josquin

Josquin Davis ( 1998 - 2011 )

This afternoon when I went to give Josquin his medications, I found him in Mark's office under a folding table. When I called his name, instead of getting up, he rolled his head over to look at me. His eyes were wide and I could tell something was wrong. I reached through the table legs to pick him up. He was responsive but limp like a rag doll. When I put him on the bed to give his meds, he couldn't stand up and kept flopping over. I put a little baby food on my finger and put it in front of his mouth but he wouldn't touch it. He kept trying to get up and wanted off the bed. I moved him to the floor where he proceeded to try and crawl into a corner. He began panting heavily and slobbering, continuing to try and hide. I knew he was dying then. I tried making him as comfortable as possible and made sure he wasn't bumping into things. Finally he stopped struggling. His breathing slowed and his body began to twitch, followed by small grunts and sighs. I held him gently as he let out his last few breaths and then he was still. I stroked his head and petted him from one end to the other then I kissed him goodbye.

Goodnight sweet prince, may there be endless fields of mice and catnip wherever you roam....You made me laugh, drove me crazy, made me cry like a baby AND we had LOADS of fun together. You were with me through some of the worst times in my life-and I never would have gotten through them without you. You taught me a lot about being gentle and loving-and you were a good brother to Tweed too. In the end, you taught me about grace and reminded me about the circle of life-to appreciate what we have when we have it. I hope that I did right by you even though I wasn't always at my best. You set a benchmark for every other cat that comes after you-and there will never be another like you. Missing you terribly already...Your Papa, Steve.

Untitled # 232

from conscience to
unconsciousness
to off; lights
hotel room ghost closets
or smashed bridal apparitions
full of unmitigated doom
everyone's asleep
in the tall towers
above

below
in the traffic
the din
the boom
Can belts Pnoom
the way the cars
scratch and melt in to day
clawing their way across the wasteland
of dead dinosaurs
crushed into metaphor
silver waves surfing like trees
floating in the air
over a dead isle
the city is quiet
no fight left
in her warm shadows
the diamonds and the shimmering
sidewalks and the grit and
the piss.

what you worked for
gone in a instant
the moment
that we live for
the wind
the cinders
and the glitter
borne away on tides
and turned into glass

Why Actor Guy Pearce is Awesome

He first came to my attention via Adventures of Priscilla: Queen of the desert but has since been better known for Memento and LA Confidential. Just finished watching the remake he did of H.G. Wells The Time Machine and was checking his IMDB page when I found this quote:


"[2007, on not wanting children] I don't even need them. There are enough babies in the world. Besides, I don't think I would be good for babies. I'd be on and off. I think they need more consistent affection than I would be able to give.

I'm a cat person actually, and my dogs are a lot like cats because they don't bark, they hate water and they climb trees. They are aloof and very feline. I see myself as a cat. I grew up with such an affinity to cats. I adore the way that they think and operate."

Okay, is this guy cool or what? Doesn't want kids but loves dogs. What a cool cat.

In Romantic Eras

desert nomads in winter
high rise skyscrapers in
drifting snow
old stories about books
and their covers
and the old brown shoe
and the mystery
of the hegemony.

the builder and the barber
the sailor and the
guitarist in the alley
with the sad songs
that hold you fast
forever in love
like those couples
in romantic eras
long past.

the shadow and the candle
the priests and vandals
those men that come in the night
set us aflame
and leave with the daylight
and darkness shades
what safety we create
rewriting our
own legacy.

You Rock!

Ladders To The Sky