The Passage Of Time Leaves / Daylight Savings

Tonight at work while helping a customer, there was a loud bang, followed by the familiar sound of a collision.

Tires squealed. I knew there had been an accident. Minutes later there were sirens. Then more sirens. Ambulances. I could not step out to see what had happened initially. Instead I had to keep helping customers, some of whom were starting to come in, telling us something had happened.

"There is a body in the street." Somebody had been hit. Two cars had collided in the midst of the maelstrom, either as part of, or the root cause of the accident. As traffic to the area was summarily curtained off, customer intake dwindled. Eventually, I was able to go outside. The yellow sheet I had seen once before was there, slumped against the planter, dark liquid or some darkened mass beneath it running onto the street. I looked up the street, realizing what I just heard was witnessed about about 200 people out shopping during the Saturday night dinner and bar scene. Right in front of Whole Foods, about 80 feet from our front door, were many hundreds of people now gathering, surrounded by several trucks, police and emergency workers.

Then I had to go back in and help customers. For an hour.  I guess I must have this down, because I went on autopilot, thinking about how what if Bob read about this on the news and thinks it was me crossing the street? This level of freak out, I do not want.

A co-worker says there are some people who are outside saying they think he may have purposely dove in front of the car, not tripped as others say or saw. I know a bit about how people witness an accident or experience can differ greatly among eyewitnesses, so I tried not to pay attention to it. Later on the way home, I saw how it also totally disrupted all the inbound traffic on market for many hours.

At work I have difficulty counting out my drawer. I feel very anxious. Everyone's awareness seems...heightened. I cannot wait to get home. the day had been long before this. Our computers had gone down this morning, about 10 minutes after after I got on the floor. It was chaos, probably the biggest pain I had experienced since working there. It was only about 30 minutes but it seemed like forever. I didn't sleep again. Weird dreams. Missing Bob. Such a strange day and this caps the evening.

I am so grateful for whatever experience or joy it is that I have, and doubly so for those that others may not. Life is so quick. You can work so hard all your life for nothing, or be gifted beyond belief and die early. Survival is more about chance than is truly is about anything else. I've seen it up close too many times myself to mention here. It seems only by accident that most of us remain here sometimes. Whatever happens is going to happen. Maybe the only takeaway is you have to be joyful in the moment no matter what.

I know tonight I am home enjoying my life while someone else's life has suddenly been changed forever. I am so very fortunate to not be the man beneath that yellow sheet. Or anyone else directly involved for that reason. I hope that whatever good energy I am trying to put out into the universe will counter this, even if that is just to smile at somebody, for just a moment.

Mark and Steve April 2008 - January 2010 R.I.P

So yesterday during therapy Mark informed me that he was no longer interested in being in a relationship with me, that he was "done, we're done."

So there you have it. that's 3 relationships in a row that have tanked badly, with a lot of heartache and sadness and hurt left between us. I feel all floaty and detached like its not really happening again, after so much, after trying so hard to make it work. What can I say...I did the best I could. In the end it came down to the fact that we weren't really a good fit as a couple, even though there was attraction in the beginning. Like anything you fall in love with from a distance, once you get close enough to it to notice the scars its too late.

All I was left with was sleeping alone, not even being able to touch Mark physically. he stopped even holding my hand in public. You know, I didn't need a neon sign-I guess I was just too depressed at the thought of breaking up-like avoiding death-to acknowledge that Mark and I had been done with each other for a long time. Someone has to eventually get off the ride if its no longer fun, right? Well, this time around it was Mark who decided to get off first, but we were both over the merry-go-round routine long ago. looooong ago.

Ultimately, for me it came down to the fact that I hadn't had any sexual contact with my partner for over 7 months. For some people sex is a refuge and for others when times are bad they shut it off. Well, for me at least its a refuge-but for Mark it shut him down. When people are cold and bitter its hard to get aroused by them. Add in some highly strung, very sensitized people and you have a very unstable situation. and that include me by the way. I am sure that I have done my fair share of "doing" and "not doing" good work on the relationship. Ours just turned out to be not built to last. and of course this is my take on things-he needs to add his version to the blog in the comment.

Its time to go find my smile and the laughter again. And I hope, because I still care a lot about him, that he finds his again too. Yeah, I may be angry and hurt right now, but I won't hate. And maybe we might even become friends again. I guess I learned a lot, about myself and from Mark. I hope he understands that and knows I appreciated everything that he has done for me, even if that feeling got lost in the midst of the chaos.

Its never goodbye forever if you let it be...

from a vase of flowers left
from the christmas table
now dead and dying
like our love
from some long ago April

I watered them for so long
with my tears and blood
anemic and depressed
couldn't sing
my song anymore
in silence.

Healing

It just goes on and on....

Seriously, the last two months have been too chaotic to try and glean anything from worth mentioning twice in the same breath. Life has continued, I am still alive and my fingers, with some remaining sensitivity, have healed up pretty well. I will start writing again in a few days. Lots is on the horizon. So much potential...its time to realise some of it this year. A new president, a new dawn, another chance to find bliss.

Ship Of Fools

I pulled on my boots.
I looked down
and a thousand miles below
my feet were coral beds
awash in fish
and endless
blue.