So yesterday during therapy Mark informed me that he was no longer interested in being in a relationship with me, that he was "done, we're done."
So there you have it. that's 3 relationships in a row that have tanked badly, with a lot of heartache and sadness and hurt left between us. I feel all floaty and detached like its not really happening again, after so much, after trying so hard to make it work. What can I say...I did the best I could. In the end it came down to the fact that we weren't really a good fit as a couple, even though there was attraction in the beginning. Like anything you fall in love with from a distance, once you get close enough to it to notice the scars its too late.
All I was left with was sleeping alone, not even being able to touch Mark physically. he stopped even holding my hand in public. You know, I didn't need a neon sign-I guess I was just too depressed at the thought of breaking up-like avoiding death-to acknowledge that Mark and I had been done with each other for a long time. Someone has to eventually get off the ride if its no longer fun, right? Well, this time around it was Mark who decided to get off first, but we were both over the merry-go-round routine long ago. looooong ago.
Ultimately, for me it came down to the fact that I hadn't had any sexual contact with my partner for over 7 months. For some people sex is a refuge and for others when times are bad they shut it off. Well, for me at least its a refuge-but for Mark it shut him down. When people are cold and bitter its hard to get aroused by them. Add in some highly strung, very sensitized people and you have a very unstable situation. and that include me by the way. I am sure that I have done my fair share of "doing" and "not doing" good work on the relationship. Ours just turned out to be not built to last. and of course this is my take on things-he needs to add his version to the blog in the comment.
Its time to go find my smile and the laughter again. And I hope, because I still care a lot about him, that he finds his again too. Yeah, I may be angry and hurt right now, but I won't hate. And maybe we might even become friends again. I guess I learned a lot, about myself and from Mark. I hope he understands that and knows I appreciated everything that he has done for me, even if that feeling got lost in the midst of the chaos.
Its never goodbye forever if you let it be...
from a vase of flowers left
from the christmas table
now dead and dying
like our love
from some long ago April
I watered them for so long
with my tears and blood
anemic and depressed
couldn't sing
my song anymore
in silence.
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