Tweed, Sending out good energy to you....

Well, Tweed is at the vet tonight. I think this is the first time He has been away all night without me so he probably scared. Fuck...I'M scared. Vet said he is indeed under weight. When he was in there in August 31st he weighed 10.4 lbs. Today he weighed only 9 lbs. That is a huge difference in just under three months. One kidney is swollen and he had some poop on his rump and paws. Signs that he is too tired/weak/sick to clean himself or go the bathroom without effort. I had sensed he was wobbly a day ago and thought it might have been because he had just woken from a nap. Combined with the lethargy and bathroom issues, lack of eating and general change in demeanor I just knew something was wrong. He had to go in but it just shot the whole day, and though Bart was cool, I feel shitty for delaying the project on a day we could have worked a whole day. Blood and Urine Tests tomorrow probably, maybe x-rays....sigh.

In a boat without a mast again, trapped in a time without time, between time. Suddenly everything is slowed down. time stops but, in a matrix-like fashion, some things are running on their own systems. Going through Josquin's old medications last night just set me off and today didn't help, being torn in so many directions and so by so many degrees. I just couldn't deal at the vet. I could barely keep it together and thought when I was finally able to go, that I could get outside, dawn my dark glasses and cry a little(ok, a lot) but when I finally got outside, it was overcast, dark and the air was moist with low fog. Glasses would make me virtually blind. fuck it, I'll just walk through the park and cry...so that is what I did. the nice thing about GG Park is there are a number of places to step off the well trodden path and smoke something. I realized it was either that or bump into another tree because I was crying so hard I couldn't see straight. I finally got it together when I hit the pan handle and came across a huge group of quasi homeless folks, street freaks and Occupy This Sidewalk Park people and I remembered where I was.

I went to Amoeba records to just look around. I thought some low grade retail therapy would help. There is a new re-issue of a single by morrissey with unreleased demo as a b-side I picked that up used and bought "the Crazies" a horror film from a few years back I wanted to see but was unwillingto fork out $20/popcorn for it. $3.99 however is a lot better and seeing as I really needed something to take my mind off things, nothing works like an off the wall post apocalyptic disease/zombie movie set in a small town. Well, that and some rum and coke, some herb and lots and lots of cleaning, washing, totally cleaning my curtains and redesigning my window treatment. Matt Johnson...sell me some wisdom, baby...

"No more blood
and no more pain
in our
kingdom of rain"

Today I finally bought myself some razors, paper towels and sponges. Bought a pretty cool antique looking Marconi style light bulb at Cliff's for my super tall triangle stand lamp. Now I just need to get a shade for it. I should just buy a cheap used harp and find some wire and make my own shade. Something modern with clean lines. I was thinking tall and cylindrical with some cool cut outs so it throws a pattern on the wall. (stop me if it sounds like I am going to clutch my hands, gasp and make a scrunched up face...where is my fucking NYTimes article?).

Oh Tweed...I love you with all my heart and hope that you are feeling better tomorrow. I am sorry I wanted to leave you at the vet but Daddy was paranoid you were so sick that you might die if he took you home without vet people around to save you. I PROMISE I will pick you up...er, later today and bring you home. I know you will feel better. I'll have your blanket warm and ready for you when you get home.

Deep breath...

another Deep breath...not of air....

Sigh....hang in there...everyone!

No One Can Stop What You Started

this is when I was looking for you
the memories are hazy
some tiny amount of love
cut through the haze
but I wasn't sure
I should dare
my hands shake
above the keys
like stuttering
from some
unnamed, welcome
but well known
disease
upended in
trance
It seems I
am with
you,
this mental image
imaginary snapshot
taken back in time
how before "we never met" until
that point,
does it matter?
do I care?
in the bigger neon gleaming
suspended-by daydreams
moments
I don't seem to catch myself
naked, disillusioned
anymore...

He Was Married To Mr Insanity

Argh fucking argh! what the fuck is wrong with Mark that he has to lock the fucking deadbolt when a trick comes over? Even though he himself doesn't have a key for it, even though he KNOWS DAMN WELL I DON'T HAVE A KEY EITHER, he will wait upstairs for a trick then have the TRICK 'lock the door behind them' which is fine in and of itself, but the trick locks the DEADBOLT, not the door itself-which I DO have the key for.

So it has happened again. This is the 4th time this has happened. 4 fucking times he was too lazy to meet his trick at the door so they can...what...enjoy the mystique of walking through a disorderly house strewn with packing materials, dusty glass, semi trash items and dark musty hasn't been washed in years carpet? Oh the lust! what the fucking christ-on-crutches point is there? To wade through all that crap and find...Mark? And for that added attraction I get to wait out on the carpeted steps in the freeze ass cold, with my hot dinner stone cold, my ice cream/sorbet melted and everything else soaked with moisture from the aforementioned sweating. Run me up and down the staircase a few times, knocking/banging/kicking the door and holding the buzzer down all got me nothing but sore bruised knuckles and out of breath. I finally remembered his number after dialing half of SF and 5 phone calls later(including one to the police asking what I could do/what they could do) it finally dawned on him that the incessant banging/phone ringing he was hearing was actually REAL.

He came down, a mere 45 minutes later. of course sheepishly he answered the door saying "sorry" and I just about got out "I don't want to talk....to you."

good for you Steve! Way to make another day sucky all around Mr. Dreier! God I have to get the hell out of here....

Reasons to Be Cheerful

Beset By Faded Inscriptions

passions were ignited
by firelight
candles died
and were invited
to become shadows
or frosted patches on the trees
the bubbling sounds
and water borne bugs
dancing, late
on kirlian silhouettes,
by day
fire dances
motions, humming, bright
and forces
that laugh at us
in our twilight
radiate for no meaning
shine, fighting back
no darkness without
some laughter
beset.

don't just stand there

eh, proposed track listing?

Luxe Universe LP / nostalgic futurists
----------
jesus_jesus/intro
timepiece
echovib
tonedrive
tone(deaf)(tasha's mix)
your funeral
kingdom keys
troubled beat
christina samba
fixed vision
Descartes vs dogma
*untitled piece by tasha

Extra track: music for driving in the rain


Peppermint Jars EP / starspring
----------
knock knock
immerse
trance dials in the shape of shells
opaque sound formations
atonal_Bop

Tasha and I need to do a little more recording to finish the album but most of my tracks are recorded for the peppermint jars compositions.

Must Obey

you caused me to remember the only one who has come and gone

it was a long time ago
I was younger
the cassette played
on my fischer brand stereo.
and that day
in November
you came in
and saved me
an unfilled book
with 'oh, so many illustrations'
it was and is
yeah it was and is
we chose to not remember
some days had sun
some days...
it was such a good day
some days
when I was 13 years old.

Sadly Beautiful

face mine
to turn away
sometimes the hot breath
holding it becomes
too much
sometimes
easier to face a sea of books
knowing warm hearts
beat in reverse
backwards to my wrongside
sadly moving
yet beautifully alone
in sleep dolphins dive
through to poems,
in dreams we're absolved.
alongside morning calls
bright lights and howling
yawls despite strangeness
turned to face
dangers together.

emptiness, longing
remembering closed limbs
simmering in the red lights
is it all so beautiful
that one forgets to recall
dull blinds, melon
rinds dried in the sun
and spider webs
untethered and swinging
like lace shawls in a miniature
squall, died down.
broken crowns
cracks in the side walk
after the first rain

(Bblang) Goodness

the inter comes
spiders pack up
mothers who walk
and stand for
confrontation hide
the knives and needles
and the bag man
no names, connection
or discomfort
control distorted and
filled with lore and liars
like my stories
we glow in the dark
lead it to shadows
and dirt
infidelity, inept
put the collar on
captain happen
before these planets
start again.

A Ritual Explanation

the lights are extinguished
the angels are ignited
the burning in the underground
is rising like a reverse rain
and driving rays
the perverse
without greediness,
or guile
quiet, bowed
somehow
without
you two
night.

Hey There! Molly Girl!

So Cute! The Chef is pretty darn handsome too!

Sting

holy crap, has that man made a deal with the devil or what? his new box set 25 Years is out and I would swear the picture on the front is him as a youthful 16-18 year old and nooo, for once in this godforesaken time of doctored everything, the photo is real. And recent, like, 2 months before the album? Huh? The man is a living testament to yoga and lots of sex(his given reason for staying in such great shape) plus he's down with herb. Say what you want about that shit he was peddling in the late 1990s, the man has written some of the most catchy songs of anyone, not just writers from his generation. Between him and the Police, there are, what? 34 Top 40 Singles, most of those top 10, and more than a few number ones. This man is no songwriting slouch. Take a page here guys. 7 kids, his wife is smoking. I've heard he's a conceited jerk, and what else would he be. Sometimes the gran poo-bah has to toot his horn loudest.

Not Over By A Long Shot / My Dream Yet Fulfilled

Probably Been Down For Days

I can tell
how you are
how the sun
meets the star
don't mean nothing
like the mountains
over lurid skies
dreams close eyes
two before
you and more
believe in
divine comedy
let them cluck
and scratch dirt
one morning we
all will see
what is left behind
the rabbit's ears
and the static filled
screen
have you seen
the tears go on
for days, when the phone is down
the lights are off
critics scoff
but candles
scare shadows
with vandal's tools
crashed into pedals
melted metals
become craft
life, then a raft
let cowards tie us
before we drift
into dreams
life is tired
or so it seams
will I ever
bring these
two halves together
sewn down like tethers
dusted by witches brooms
--------

oh my foolish little ....

Nate's Story / Cross posted on Catster

"This past august my 14 year old passed at home from a long fight with inflammatory bowel disease. It was horrible as this huge vacuum of space opened up in my life and I was sad and depressed for days, yet grateful he died here, with me and wasn't alone. After several days I realized my other cat was also now alone as they had been raised together since they were both kittens. I am often away during the day and felt the best way to deal with his sadness/loneliness(and mine) was to immediately get a new cat. I had always gotten cats when they were kittens but, looking at the shelters, reading online listings and going to the adoption fairs I realized there were far more cats than kittens. I didn't want to get a kitten to pair with my other cat even though I knew that might work, because he was used to a grown cat. Instead I started looking at adult cats. I looked for about two weeks, everyday both in shelters and online. Then I found Nate, an owner who could no longer care for him had left him at the animal control shelter here in SF. My partner pointed out his listing -as a 'small buff siamese mix' with the cutest picture of his face. I called up to see if he was still available but they said he had been adopted. Darn! So I kept looking, and for some reason the listing for him stayed up. A few days went by and I started to wonder if it had been a mistake, so I checked again. Sure enough, he had been 'test driven' by someone who wanted a friendly cat and spent three days under the sofa hiding which was apparently enough for them to turn him back over to animal control. They never took down the listing though so he had been stuck there in a shelter for a while, then moved to a PetFoodExpress here in town, to their adoption center. Given up by a different owner, stressed from losing his 'real' owner and now sad and very very unhappy from being moved around so much he had even taken to sleeping in his litterbox and had stopped eating. His lethargy was probably interpreted by some as his real personality and not one person had looked at him in almost two weeks. Things were not looking good. When I found out he was still there, I RAN the four blocks down the street to the store and immediately saw him sitting alone in his box starring out into space. One problem though...he was not a 'small siamese mix" but rather a HUGE white, longhaired tabby/maine coon cross of some sort with deep set blue eyes-think an albino raccoon and you've got the look AND the size. Waaay more cat than I was thinking of getting as my other cat is much smaller. But I figured, lets see how he is anyway. The adoption folks brought him out and he promptly stuffed his head inside my coat and went to sleep. Well, that was all she wrote for this big softie! That was September...he is now a totally different cat. Still skittish and wary at times but he continues to warm up and be more and more comfortable. He and my other cat share food, the multi-storied cat stand and now sleep together though they maintain separate boxes. And yes, he DID hide under my couch for about a week but I made sure he had everything he needed and one day, he came out. 2 weeks later he let me pet him. 1 month later he let me pet his tummy. Now he plays catch, romps and plays, vocalizes and is just a sweet loving cat as I knew he would be. he just needed a chance - so please don't turn your back on older cats. They have so much love to give!