If he is not with me
anymore why does it hurt
where there is a hole
in my heart
the light goes in...
the light goes out..
is it time to dream of sheep?
its a puzzle
with lots of missing pieces
like poppies waving in a field,
never all living or all dead
the life goes in...
the life goes out...
faster than you can blink an eye.
our talk it stretches to
unimportant things
of no consequence
or written sequence
the lines go in...
the lines go on...
but deeper and deeper and deeper
'til they're gone.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Monday, January 11, 2010
My mind is playing tricks on me....
In my lonely hours
hallucinating I hear
your car is always
coming up the drive
the back-up lights
are beeping inside
my mind....
hallucinating I hear
your car is always
coming up the drive
the back-up lights
are beeping inside
my mind....
Friday, January 8, 2010
Mark and Steve April 2008 - January 2010 R.I.P
So yesterday during therapy Mark informed me that he was no longer interested in being in a relationship with me, that he was "done, we're done."
So there you have it. that's 3 relationships in a row that have tanked badly, with a lot of heartache and sadness and hurt left between us. I feel all floaty and detached like its not really happening again, after so much, after trying so hard to make it work. What can I say...I did the best I could. In the end it came down to the fact that we weren't really a good fit as a couple, even though there was attraction in the beginning. Like anything you fall in love with from a distance, once you get close enough to it to notice the scars its too late.
All I was left with was sleeping alone, not even being able to touch Mark physically. he stopped even holding my hand in public. You know, I didn't need a neon sign-I guess I was just too depressed at the thought of breaking up-like avoiding death-to acknowledge that Mark and I had been done with each other for a long time. Someone has to eventually get off the ride if its no longer fun, right? Well, this time around it was Mark who decided to get off first, but we were both over the merry-go-round routine long ago. looooong ago.
Ultimately, for me it came down to the fact that I hadn't had any sexual contact with my partner for over 7 months. For some people sex is a refuge and for others when times are bad they shut it off. Well, for me at least its a refuge-but for Mark it shut him down. When people are cold and bitter its hard to get aroused by them. Add in some highly strung, very sensitized people and you have a very unstable situation. and that include me by the way. I am sure that I have done my fair share of "doing" and "not doing" good work on the relationship. Ours just turned out to be not built to last. and of course this is my take on things-he needs to add his version to the blog in the comment.
Its time to go find my smile and the laughter again. And I hope, because I still care a lot about him, that he finds his again too. Yeah, I may be angry and hurt right now, but I won't hate. And maybe we might even become friends again. I guess I learned a lot, about myself and from Mark. I hope he understands that and knows I appreciated everything that he has done for me, even if that feeling got lost in the midst of the chaos.
Its never goodbye forever if you let it be...
from a vase of flowers left
from the christmas table
now dead and dying
like our love
from some long ago April
I watered them for so long
with my tears and blood
anemic and depressed
couldn't sing
my song anymore
in silence.
So there you have it. that's 3 relationships in a row that have tanked badly, with a lot of heartache and sadness and hurt left between us. I feel all floaty and detached like its not really happening again, after so much, after trying so hard to make it work. What can I say...I did the best I could. In the end it came down to the fact that we weren't really a good fit as a couple, even though there was attraction in the beginning. Like anything you fall in love with from a distance, once you get close enough to it to notice the scars its too late.
All I was left with was sleeping alone, not even being able to touch Mark physically. he stopped even holding my hand in public. You know, I didn't need a neon sign-I guess I was just too depressed at the thought of breaking up-like avoiding death-to acknowledge that Mark and I had been done with each other for a long time. Someone has to eventually get off the ride if its no longer fun, right? Well, this time around it was Mark who decided to get off first, but we were both over the merry-go-round routine long ago. looooong ago.
Ultimately, for me it came down to the fact that I hadn't had any sexual contact with my partner for over 7 months. For some people sex is a refuge and for others when times are bad they shut it off. Well, for me at least its a refuge-but for Mark it shut him down. When people are cold and bitter its hard to get aroused by them. Add in some highly strung, very sensitized people and you have a very unstable situation. and that include me by the way. I am sure that I have done my fair share of "doing" and "not doing" good work on the relationship. Ours just turned out to be not built to last. and of course this is my take on things-he needs to add his version to the blog in the comment.
Its time to go find my smile and the laughter again. And I hope, because I still care a lot about him, that he finds his again too. Yeah, I may be angry and hurt right now, but I won't hate. And maybe we might even become friends again. I guess I learned a lot, about myself and from Mark. I hope he understands that and knows I appreciated everything that he has done for me, even if that feeling got lost in the midst of the chaos.
Its never goodbye forever if you let it be...
from a vase of flowers left
from the christmas table
now dead and dying
like our love
from some long ago April
I watered them for so long
with my tears and blood
anemic and depressed
couldn't sing
my song anymore
in silence.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Dennis Leigh is a rather awesome rennisance man
I strike a match
in the darkness...
so in the space where I used to dream
there could be seen a former scene
We use to mix, our bodies wrapped
in the halo of the morning
of the evening of
before.
Back in the days before the rain came
the house had windows, doors and
floors I remembered the sleep
before you went away
and the clouds came
along.
We shared all the pleasures of fiery
electricity, current buzzed and hummed
along lines of hot and red
your hands once burned
forgot your spurned
advances.
The rhythm of the moving city flashes
faces and labels on the metro
ride by too fast to read
I can't explain the need
for chemical nightlife
science.
And now that I know too much
I can't undo you
And now that I know too much
I can't believe...
in the darkness...
so in the space where I used to dream
there could be seen a former scene
We use to mix, our bodies wrapped
in the halo of the morning
of the evening of
before.
Back in the days before the rain came
the house had windows, doors and
floors I remembered the sleep
before you went away
and the clouds came
along.
We shared all the pleasures of fiery
electricity, current buzzed and hummed
along lines of hot and red
your hands once burned
forgot your spurned
advances.
The rhythm of the moving city flashes
faces and labels on the metro
ride by too fast to read
I can't explain the need
for chemical nightlife
science.
And now that I know too much
I can't undo you
And now that I know too much
I can't believe...
Saturday, January 2, 2010
what a year....
Its been quite a year for me...some good...some not so good moments...
I started taking antidepressants this year....first came Celexa which was horrible and produced immediate side effects not even my psychiatrist could figure out. Next came wellbutrin which I thought would help but has been rather ineffective in even keeping my depression down. In fact, looking back over the 9 months I've been taking it I can safely say its not done much other than make me think there should have been something happening when in fact, there wasn't. Actually, I think I need to get the hell off of it. I was better off when I was smoking pot all the time. Sure, it was expensive but at LEAST IT FUCKING WORKED!!
Nothing is worst than finally giving in to everyone's suggestion only to find out all your fears were well founded and legitimate. Its worse when its YOU that pegged all your hopes and dreams of something working on something that takes you months to find out doesn't. I've never been more pissed off in my life.
I'm about ready to throw the towel in on this relationship to boot.
I started taking antidepressants this year....first came Celexa which was horrible and produced immediate side effects not even my psychiatrist could figure out. Next came wellbutrin which I thought would help but has been rather ineffective in even keeping my depression down. In fact, looking back over the 9 months I've been taking it I can safely say its not done much other than make me think there should have been something happening when in fact, there wasn't. Actually, I think I need to get the hell off of it. I was better off when I was smoking pot all the time. Sure, it was expensive but at LEAST IT FUCKING WORKED!!
Nothing is worst than finally giving in to everyone's suggestion only to find out all your fears were well founded and legitimate. Its worse when its YOU that pegged all your hopes and dreams of something working on something that takes you months to find out doesn't. I've never been more pissed off in my life.
I'm about ready to throw the towel in on this relationship to boot.
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