Been SO Long / Saluting / At The Finish

I haven't been here in awhile.

SO much on my mind, more pictures and thoughts than words.

Seasons are changing, time is passing. Fires are burning. Lots of pictures of mistakes.

Lives are ebbing. There is both constant chaos and quiet reflections.

I reach for you
a ball of yarn
to reconcile my feelings,
loss of all those over time
but still you
unwind
in my mind
you become every
face, many faces
like fibers folded all together
to measure at life's finish.

Many faces, all filled with grace.
I reach for threads,
but they slip away
cords unstripped by design
into the winds like golden hairs they fly
many traces of whiskers of history of faces
every one of you belongs here.

Every ball that draws us up,
will unspool at the end of time
and rub our nose in the decay,
but I was lying when I said
I was going to be brave.

You want life to rave up,
but occasionally you come to the breakdown.
someone takes a brick from your foundation
and you lose all sense of place.

I know that it hurts,
I just don't know how hard.
An small explosion,
like a fist in a pile of flour
erupting like a thousands clocks going off the rails
dangerous moments among the faithful.

(quiet) (quiet) (quiet)

you look at me with these eyes.
diving into each other,
I have loved you
I have failed you,
and I will reach across
the bridge of time
for you.

Penny For Your Thoughts

sometimes you're caught in its wake
something you can't shake
what does it take
to make it
through
a day?

sunrise
gives way to
evening and her
colors in the dwindling
light suddenly sun is slack
all colors hurriedly run around
sky gives way to blue then way to black

and you can see stars
and you can see
and you can...

Fatty Fat Fat Fat

I can't sleep.

Just had the most insane nightmare. dreamed I was having a heart attack. Strapped down to a gurney surrounded by people and screaming "I'm sorry honey, I'm sorry!" at the top of my lungs before waking up in a cold sweat. Gee, my unconscious mind is a blast isn't it? This is my brain's way of telling me my weight has finally become an issue. One I cannot ignore anymore. None of my clothes fit, or I don't like the way I look in what does fit. The tiredness and lethargy I am experiencing from the Zoloft has turned in to weight gain-now almost 30 lbs...

and that boys and girls is not okay. While I may not seem plump to the average joe I am heavier than I have ever been in my adult life and I can feel every pound. I don't care what anyone else thinks of my weight but I DO care about HOW I FEEL, both physically and mentally. Right now I feel like a slug-and its getting to the point where I am noticing back pain and pain in my knees that was not there 6 months ago. I cringe when I look at myself in the mirror-something I haven't done since I was a teenager. The thought of having to replace my entire wardrobe makes me shudder.

Yes, I need to eat-and yes, I need to manage my depression and mood but not at the cost of my health and hard-won self esteem. I didn't spend a lifetime of watching my weight to suddenly be miserable and fat at 40. Bald I can live with, but fat and bald makes me think I'll look like stuart-and I'd rather take a blowtorch to my face than go down that road to hell.

Wish You Were Here

and that you were holding me.