I can't sleep.
Just had the most insane nightmare. dreamed I was having a heart attack. Strapped down to a gurney surrounded by people and screaming "I'm sorry honey, I'm sorry!" at the top of my lungs before waking up in a cold sweat. Gee, my unconscious mind is a blast isn't it? This is my brain's way of telling me my weight has finally become an issue. One I cannot ignore anymore. None of my clothes fit, or I don't like the way I look in what does fit. The tiredness and lethargy I am experiencing from the Zoloft has turned in to weight gain-now almost 30 lbs...
and that boys and girls is not okay. While I may not seem plump to the average joe I am heavier than I have ever been in my adult life and I can feel every pound. I don't care what anyone else thinks of my weight but I DO care about HOW I FEEL, both physically and mentally. Right now I feel like a slug-and its getting to the point where I am noticing back pain and pain in my knees that was not there 6 months ago. I cringe when I look at myself in the mirror-something I haven't done since I was a teenager. The thought of having to replace my entire wardrobe makes me shudder.
Yes, I need to eat-and yes, I need to manage my depression and mood but not at the cost of my health and hard-won self esteem. I didn't spend a lifetime of watching my weight to suddenly be miserable and fat at 40. Bald I can live with, but fat and bald makes me think I'll look like stuart-and I'd rather take a blowtorch to my face than go down that road to hell.
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