No Cure For The Early Poisoning

sometimes
I catch my image
in a mirror
or a reflection
and for a moment
I don't recognize
myself.

I am not me.
full of bile
and jealousy.
a broken down horse
a derelict car
you would have towed
away if you could have.

never was one
to sign away my rights
or hand over my life
I never knew if
the ship I was
on was sinking
or if it
was all just
a dream.
walking through
your own life
for so long
without really
living, stumbling
around in the
darkness, humbled
by the light...

Light...
Lights in the distance
fire in the sky
explosions level
the city
for an old
score.

This boy is laughing
and this boy is crying
and this boy is searching
and this boy wonders
will the voices
ever stop screeching
tear it all away
like cellophane
not much difference
in the real me
and the one
who remains.

(trumpets) Here

"I wake up every day
but I don't want it that way."
Brett Anderson -He's Dead

Well, I'm right depressed at the moment.

Its chemical surely, but with as many chemicals
as there are swirling in my brains right now
its almost impossible to
find out what is right and what is wrong
I think the answers are in my brain
or hidden deep within a song
I cry all the time.
the curl of my cats paw
as he sleeps
the beauty in a spider's web
delicately laced with dew
the first few seconds of crackle
at the beginning of every record
the cloud spinning past the window
when I look out
the stars seem lonely
as life and the hands of every clock
tick away
I ran away and was hidden by this city
this is the big time
the stars are all on the ground
but all the little voices
they will drown
one single voice
that's merely
in the way

A glimpse

and every guitar will lift you up
like a whip of wind
wrapping itself around the sound,
caught in a glimpse,
a red wine hangover,
the first blink of the morning
and a long exhale...

and oh how I wait to breathe
how I wait to breathe
how I wait to breathe
for the last sigh of truth
to be perceived.

Suddenly Everything Has Changed

God, everything feels so heavy right now. I feel like a child who doesn't understand why things are the way they are, and my heart is hurting because I don't know how to change things and make them better. Where is superman when I need him? Or just someone who could tell me how I can ever find happiness that isn't tainted. At the very least how to keep from making things worse or at least stop caring if its fucked up.

I thought it was already hard and heavy and overwhelming. now it all just feels out of my reach, like I've failed again trying to make other people comfortable, trying to make a relationship stable that isn''t built to be so. what on earth am I doing? I have never felt so lost in my life.