Exhausting / Plinkyety Plink / Confessions / Slipping

Fake It til You Make It. 

I haven't written in a while.

Been putting food on the table. Trying to communicate in the Tower of Babel. Keeping it '100'.

Working more than is good for me, and therefore more than adequately gives me enough time to look for work outside what I am doing. I love what I am sometimes able to do and accomplish, and I do my best to mitigate the physical impact that is having own my body. I am still managing to squeak out some artwork, a few pieces of which I can stand to look at again. I've tabled the idea of doing a print book for the time, even though my draft (whipped up in just three days!) is complete at 280 some pages.

But...

I need to get real. I'm exhausted emotionally all the time. I'm physically sore from the time I get up until I uncomfortably lie in bed hoping my brain will stop doing loop de loops. My knees hurt every time I get up or bend down. I continue to have lower back and abdominal pain, but I'm not spending any more money to be told there is nothing wrong, and I'm a needy hypochondriac. But I know I am not healthy. I can feel that I am not 100% and that my lifestyle is seriously compromising my health.

Even though I have tools to help, I simply can't be high all the time. Too many things need my attention. Too many things are too complicated for me to just sit around in a semi distracted state. I have a hard enough time staying focused on the currently spinning plates. Eventually one of these plates is going to break if I don't figure a way out of my over-commitment.

James @ Stern Grove / Good Things

Santa Fe Trip / Good Things

Bob / Good Things

Cat Entry Deux

I get pissed off reading on the internet. Here is why(and I should point out this is well respected veterinarian, not some quack):

"In the wild, your cat would be eating a high protein, high-moisture, meat-based diet, with a moderate level of fat and with only approximately 3-5 percent of her diet consisting of carbohydrates. The average dry food contains 35-50 percent carbohydrate calories. Some of the cheaper dry foods contain even higher levels.

This is NOT the diet that Mother Nature intended for your cat to eat.

Many canned foods, on the other hand, contain approximately 3-5 percent carbohydrates.

Please note that not all canned foods are suitably low in carbohydrates. For instance, most of the Hill's Science Diet (over-the-counter) and the Hill's Prescription diets are very high in carbohydrates and are not foods that I would choose to feed."

The fuck?! this is the brand and type of food that pets unlimited carries-that they recommended, almost to the exclusion of everything else. I have been trying to feed these to both my cats for months now-at Bob's great expense-only to learn they are the LEAST protein heavy diets available. Plus I have to go half way across town to find anywhere that carries them. I have been trying to feed them pre-prepared cooked chicken-to offset the dry food-which is way high in salt-to balance out the dry food. now I learn the dry food is full of carbs and I've been cramming salt into both of them-which dries them out more. I don't know how I haven't killed them both. I feel like a complete fucking idiot-and like I want to KILL the vet at pets unlimited. Seriously, its a good thing I don't own guns. this blog would end with posts from San Quentin and me doing a 10 stretch for murder.

Rawwwwwrr!

Doctor Miscommunication

who would've thought
wrong
all the tests come back negative
all the tests come back
to haunt you
singing like angels
of death in your non-sleep
the broken lines
and the broken home
break up the ending
of the difficult song
whatever they say
you have to do
whatever missed communication
they hesitate,
we wait
locked in a room
somewhere
waving my hands
like a crazy person
in the air

they find your nick name
on his neck chain
correct change
when all the
gambling came
to an expensive end

some time to kill
some sleeping pills
valium, downers,
drugs for out of towners
roll out of one
bed into another
the dogs bark
the corked suburban still life
fruit on the table
bills paid when you feel able
would you even notice
if you were alone
when it became dark
was it any fun
when the harpies and
the witches
came and
stole your tongue?

If You Called Right Now I'd Come Running

staring at the leaves
clapping back at me
in the breeze
we talk for hours
me, the trees and the flowers
all covered in dew and whipped by the wind
you can't rescind your promises to the rest of the world

there
the smallest idea
tossed to the sea of chance
but it will learn to dance
anyway
there
the biggest problem
could be gone by tomorrow
nobody knows
like a light going off
like a match
extinguished.