Went in for 'surgical' guided injections on my back today. I am really hoping they work. Being in severe pain all the time and having trouble standing and walking has really wore me down (and yeah, all the other shit too, a big fat double fuck you to 'Mr Postman' - not his real name). The doctor asked me 'if I was ready to be out of pain' and I was so out of it from lack of sleep, not being able to smoke or anything that I said "From the grief? Is there something you can inject to make that go away?" He got a blank look on his face and I realized I needed to apologize and explain that I had been waiting almost a year to have this done because to took six months after my husband died to finally get through all the pre-req steps and insurance BS to get into the OR to treat the injury I got from being his caretaker for nearly a year. I was face down in a head ring a few minutes later but I heard at least two people sniffling as I went into twilight. I didn't mean to make anyone cry, but it was honest. this is why I would never play poker for money. I can hide my feelings whether I'm happy or sad. I would be the guy to loudly exclaim "Wow, I might just win this time!"
I'm venting. I'll get through this. I know the rest of the world is on fire too. I just wish I didn't feel so terrible when everything else is also terrible. All my friends are going to protests and being active at live shows, hiking, etc and I can barely stand, walk long enough to go grocery shopping or go a day without crying my eyes out. It's been a really difficult month. Why lie?
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