I wanted it it to be perfect like before

 

And the shake of your head....

The romance of outcomes is over. Like my brain, my amp is fried. Cue Surprise! Life laughs in my face!

Two weeks straight of providing paperwork for paralegals, three weeks of isolation, 3 days of double visits from well meaning people. Followed by a week of medical appointments. 

I trick myself. Pretend it's happening to someone else, but it won't be over soon. Be hysterical and cry in private. Keening and screaming suddenly enter the lexicon. Additional terrifying lucid ghost-prompted nightmares to dispense of what is left of my operating daytime memory.  

You've seen clips of a goldfish gasping for breath right. 

I'd trade places with that goldfish in a second. At their brain stem won't remind them of regret.