Wandering In The Cross-Town (Mental) Traffic

Picture this: A Synopsis (AN unspooling)

melting into the sea
sightless ego made of sand, revealed
not as strong or mad, or ego-free
as I thought I would be...

why am I so angry. so easily bothered/ upset?

Roaming the country side asleep on a dead horse / tethered.  Haunted by witches, still.

getting/moving/seeing/seething/pleading/eyes/distracted

moneyed/cruel/tools/sales/veils/nails/rails/pale/white/whale

first drawing. in a while. did I break myself?

I feel talented and stupid. The boredom of too tightly a repeating pattern enrages me. Co-workers seem to like me. But they also cry to me and naturally deputize me for things because of my age. I am now one of the old guys where I work. There are only two people older. They don't know any of the bands that mean anything to me, even though the music plays on the radio throughout the day. They don't understand why I know all their bands too. People don't try very hard to find out anything anymore. They huff and puff their way out of the simplest tasks. Also: Get off my lawn.
















Even on my best days, I do not feel like I fit anywhere right now.  Nathaniel makes it seem so easy.

In some ways I feel like a turntable which has reached the end of the record and is just going around the last groove because the return arm is malfunctioning in their working life. The balance of personal projects and professional life seems dauntingly cyclical. Actual praise seems weird and foreign. People so kind and present sound like background noise to the din of angry hateful voices not getting what they want no matter how many organs I offer up for sale. I realized why I hatred retail too many months ago to sound pathetic anymore. Money craziness. Work imbalance. A certain deadening that creeps in with the realization there is no getting off the treadmill at all costs.

I feel genuinely frayed most days. Predominantly inadequate on a number of levels. Feeling challenged on the things I feel skilled at. Everyone else is taking so much, the well is dry when I dare to look. But so much beauty....and potential. Hang in there, Steve. Hang in there.

Just passing through 'till we reach the next phase / the futures changed / perceptions all been erased