Rant In Angst Minor / elluvial absolutical

what a week! what a weak! what a wreck!

holy shitballs batman! seriously, who the fuck found the rug that was underneath me and pulled hard?

The walls and sea of cardboard continue to rise and slosh before me.
The place is in turmoil, impossible to clean or to straighten.
there is no place to put my feet where boxes or wrapped packages or cats
do not suddenly appear.
I am the ballet dancer in a minefield.
I dancing-yes, as fast as I can!
someone puts a record on.
someone else puts a record on.
the radio, toaster, alarm clock, cat, refrigerator,
downstairs washing machine,
crazy neighbors, banging doors, showering tricks upstairs
through it all I crawl
around things, over boxes to get to other boxes
looking for the box I put so and so inside
so I wouldn't, uh, forget...uh...what were we talking about?

Peter Murphy, a hero, brought down. Someone I respected. admired.
Michelle Shocked, someone who I thought talented, now strung out, homophobic and lunatic.
Morrissey, my teenage father figure and reason for being, sickened with middle age maladies.
a long term friend, her nearly 20 year relationship over...so much sadness
people I haven't heard from in years
wanting answers
wanting something they don't need
wanting something they don't want
so much change.
so much chaos...that I can't change
so much rage I can't put any place
except inside somewhere
in the hollow caverns carved out in childhood.

I'm doubting myself, surely-but I am not out.
one thing I learned from my mistakes: voice it.
holding it inside forever(as opposed to temporary storage which is a-okay in Imperfect-Land)
never helps anything.
everything is changing
change is the nature of everything.

Old photos of San Francisco, my home
unfamiliar places and people now only a memory
and somewhere in there is me
my shadowy black and white memories
my birth
my rebirth.
my cocooning
hiding from the sun
not sure If I am the butterfly dreaming he is still a caterpillar
or the caterpillar dreaming he is the butterfly
or both.
a baby is born
and a women is stabbed
somewhere people are suffering far more than I
and another shapeless formless night
passes underneath the streets
when the tears come.


Thank goodness I have you.