Rant In Angst Minor / elluvial absolutical

what a week! what a weak! what a wreck!

holy shitballs batman! seriously, who the fuck found the rug that was underneath me and pulled hard?

The walls and sea of cardboard continue to rise and slosh before me.
The place is in turmoil, impossible to clean or to straighten.
there is no place to put my feet where boxes or wrapped packages or cats
do not suddenly appear.
I am the ballet dancer in a minefield.
I dancing-yes, as fast as I can!
someone puts a record on.
someone else puts a record on.
the radio, toaster, alarm clock, cat, refrigerator,
downstairs washing machine,
crazy neighbors, banging doors, showering tricks upstairs
through it all I crawl
around things, over boxes to get to other boxes
looking for the box I put so and so inside
so I wouldn't, uh, forget...uh...what were we talking about?

Peter Murphy, a hero, brought down. Someone I respected. admired.
Michelle Shocked, someone who I thought talented, now strung out, homophobic and lunatic.
Morrissey, my teenage father figure and reason for being, sickened with middle age maladies.
a long term friend, her nearly 20 year relationship over...so much sadness
people I haven't heard from in years
wanting answers
wanting something they don't need
wanting something they don't want
so much change.
so much chaos...that I can't change
so much rage I can't put any place
except inside somewhere
in the hollow caverns carved out in childhood.

I'm doubting myself, surely-but I am not out.
one thing I learned from my mistakes: voice it.
holding it inside forever(as opposed to temporary storage which is a-okay in Imperfect-Land)
never helps anything.
everything is changing
change is the nature of everything.

Old photos of San Francisco, my home
unfamiliar places and people now only a memory
and somewhere in there is me
my shadowy black and white memories
my birth
my rebirth.
my cocooning
hiding from the sun
not sure If I am the butterfly dreaming he is still a caterpillar
or the caterpillar dreaming he is the butterfly
or both.
a baby is born
and a women is stabbed
somewhere people are suffering far more than I
and another shapeless formless night
passes underneath the streets
when the tears come.


Thank goodness I have you.

Confidential To The Boy Who Hugs Teddy Bears

a
butterfly
floats by
in a cathedral
the walls
are there
unsupported
confidential
going ever onwards
up to the
sky
where
dreams rain
down in time
to diamonds do
you stay there
to catch
them
do you
dare.


some great
unsecret
whispered
in an
outspoken
moment.
don't worry
its confidential
Teddy knows...

Tides Over Ides

what color will
they make the leaves be
in the new spring
what color will they invent
this year and
call it green
the fingerlings will grow
through whatever
directing the earth helps
it see
but we don't know
what of it?
and we don't know
the unknown
for sure.

Let's Go / It Begins / !!! / Time for a Re-Invention

here's a story, no
it goes like this:

every star
is exploding
and imploding
at the same time
we are its instant
the rush of wind that sucks in
before the backdraft burns like the sun
that black space
that immeasurable distance
we can't map or create
lost signals
go into nowhere
but out here
you see the distance
its a hindrance
spaceships only last for so long
your bones grow thin
oxygen renewal grows dim
better to find a safe place to calm down

on a hill
maybe 100 years ago it was high
lonely hill
calling out to birds
and bees
and daffodils
we are here together
we have always been here before
we were grass before this
before the birds,
the lizards
the eggs, mammals
and the secrets of the bottom
of the seas
see?

before I saw your face
on the stairs
I saw your face in the stars
in the dew on the window
on some sleepless morning
I saw your face in air
condensing
as I had expected it to be
life has a way of reminding me
every so often, to just 'give up'
only control, wanting too much
complicates,
entropy is honesty
There is no mystery
death is not scary, really.
life is far more a thrill
but some parasites attach themselves
to your kite
when the flame of your dreams
ignites
always (Solutions / working in place / current block to ecstasy)

this wouldn't be here without you - you know that, right?

some fucking seriously bullshit people from the past
like run off  cliff stupid - we're trying harder - than their whole lives
ungrateful relations not relative to our lives - we outstrip them.
just bad dreams ebbing ever onward into dust
buried in amber for the next pack of idiots
to get caught up in daydreams
I found a dragon who could fly
lets fly away from
this dog and pony show
slough off these cobwebs,
blow this popsicle stand
and go baby, go.

On-fucking-Wards