I'm 38 years old

never thought I would be here
or end up here.
couldn't see this
from back there.
I just kept trying
even when I
was on the verge
of giving up.
blind faith
or stupidity,
I can never tell.
Optimist
in a pessimists body
privately obsessed
with pleasing the public
but never satisfied
with myself.
Still shy-hard to trust people.
Has it really been 38 years?
35 since my dad died.
20 since I graduated high school.
10 since I graduated college.
0 in my bank account(mostly).
limitless ideas, restless mind.
still believe that love
changes everything
despite vast
evidence to the contrary.
not that smart,
as it turns out.
but brilliant in
some respects.
respectable(occasionally).
on occasion focused
other times all over the place.
too stuck in chaos
to process myself
out of reason.
How did I get here?
I don't know what I am doing.
its all chance.
its all art
its all music.
there is a soundtrack
playing in my mind.
the psychic shield.
the safe gray area
without walls where
my mind could retreat
shaped everything
gave clarity
in a life spent in
clouds of
self doubt, self loathing
a facade so well
polished.
I could only see everything
and everyone else.
never looking inward(too terrified to, mostly)
trying not to look backwards.
get too lost.
wild goose chases.
car accidents
and leg braces.
straightened teeth
and scarred faces
but smiling still.
still!
I have no idea how I got this far.
I have no grand plan anymore.
realized I was living
to make the plan work
and
not actually living.
The electicity flowed
but the fuses
were all cooked.
didn't learn to cook
for myself.
too stressful.
I just make a mess.
distressing just
making dressing
or reading directions
or reflecting
on what a long strange trip
this has been
and is being
Ladies and Gentlemen
we ARE floating in space
spaceman steve
my spaceship made of art
too feeble to let it all go
should have stopped
some of this long ago
but I slither
away anyway,
another skin, another me.
wonder what 39 will be?
still lots of dreams
blood sweat and tears
I knew it wasn't easy.
I never wanted
an easy life-I wanted a real one.
to open doors.
not be boring.
add smiles.
take away unhappiness
when I can.
still up for it.
not crawling away
tail between my legs
I don't care how long it
takes even if that's forever
I don't care if people don't
like me-only that what I do has
SOME EFFECT
on the world.
not done yet.
not perfect.
still...