Alternate take / Hot Take / Hot Pepper / Pepper-Tree

 

In The Rays

 

Black Out / Midnight

 

My Brain / In Dreams

 The week, by most reports, has been shit. 

The wildlife and the wild life. No sleep. That's fucked up. Anxiety ridden days mixed with technicolor hallucinogenic nightmares when I do sleep. Bob is a mess and a full time caregiver situation. Everyday is a new problem. I cannot get him to actively take part in his care in private. He is a 'bad' patient by any metric. I make him set blood glucose alarms. He sets the phone to vibrate and leaves it on the bed. Some nights I find him eating ice cream in the middle of the night with a sky high reading. Some days he's barely responsive his blood sugar is so low-its been 28...borderline diabetic coma. So low I'm having to slap him awake while getting him to drink orange juice. Then I Sit there while he tells his doctor his blood glucose is 'under good control'.  Its fucking maddening. I'm working so hard to keep him alive and he's just utterly undermining efforts to take care of him. Half the time I don't know what to expect. I have to remind myself he's got brain damage. There's been radiation. Chemo too. Maybe I just need to let the old Bob go because he isn't here anymore.It feel awful saying it. the constant low grade trauma is like being cut 1000 times. The thought of dying in my sleep has crossed my mind. It's horrible even thinking it. I can't believe I am writing it down. I just wish this wasn't happening. I don't know how to help my brain. I can't hire anyone to do that. 

In the middle of the night, I woke up and wrote this:

You can

you still will

Like candles in the wind takes time

Everything you do takes time

The clock is all too familiar, and yet

blue is the color

Blue is the color of my love's heart

Upon heart

upon heart

the rest devolves into a drawing of me and Bob. 

Pulling Inches / Punches / Nudes prudes and attitude

Effective! / Lies With Words / Things I've Heard

 

Everything Is Fine / The House Is On Fire / Unpoetry

 "When your turn comes to leave me, will my free-will have failed?"

"We sit here crying, about opposite things in opposite rooms."

IT could have been heralded by a 100,000 trumpets, instead its nattering and annoyance. 

(Unpyschosis)

The week is like a slow motion cain crash singing a song, When things got tough I was so kind to myself and we watched the girls go / Look at them go / look anthem girls go / This isn't the same sub pop sticker I sent you in the spring is it?/ I never looked this wrong in a dress before / would look this iceberg blow itself out? / look / look at it / its / dreaming about something to scheme in living in the house where we go home when the go girl go / when you look at her / go now / go now / downtown / go downtown / symbols / esoterica / Erica / from erotica fruit on the bottom ladies downtown freemonetation clown and from down down down down down the downtwqoeses twoesne van bandit van synod snow from one snow drum snowdrop snow drum noe to senowtu ...............................

Cancer

 My husband, Bob, had a seizure on January 26th. Since he had no previous history of seizures, a CT scanned was performed and the initial scan showed an obvious mass--we sat together and watched the hospitalist bring the image up on a monitor. Further MRIs that evening revealed a distinct tumor. This was successfully resected during emergency surgery on Wednesday the 31st. While the surgery was fairly straightforward (as brain surgeries go) the after effects of the surgery were…to put it mildly, not fun. Again, mercifully, they were mostly temporary. He’s still the same sarcastic, slightly ribald guy I fell in love with (and am occasionally embarrassed by in public). He was in and out of the ICU and the Recuperation Unit in a matter of days.

For a plane crash, this has gone as best it could. We were home and near a hospital when it happened. He didn’t fall, hit his head or die of a stroke before the tumor was discovered. Mostly I am beyond relieved we were together, he wasn’t out alone, or driving, and I could quickly get him help. Just an hour before the seizure, we were in rural Bodega Bay, miles from any hospital. If the seizure had happened even 5 minutes later, we would have been down several flights of stairs where the timing of getting him to an ambulance would have been exponentially more difficult. Because of how it happened he has a chance to recover.

The not great news is that this is a glioblastoma. No one wants to say scary words like ‘brain cancer’ but that is what it is. This means yucky stuff like chemo and radiation are in our future. We’re well aware of what is ahead. Everyone wants to know more. Bob and I both have a hundred things to think about and comprehend--but we have help. A lot actually, from so many people. Thanks go to my friends Robyn, Shannon, JD, and our many friends off FB, including Irene, James, as well as Bob’s friend (and best man) Mitchell, Bob’s brother, Rabbi Les Gutterman, and our neighbors, who’ve provided crucial support to me and to Bob during this period. We could not have done this without help. People brought food, helped with shopping and sat and hugged us while we bawled like children. Like all 'acceptance' speeches, I'm sure I'm leaving people out.

The list is long. A huge shout out across the medical spectrum (Nurses, Doctors, Surgeons, Specialists, and Therapists) that provided the best care for us and got us through this period. My thanks are endless.

Helpful: Love. Patience. Good will. Vibes. Prayers. Putting good energy out into the universe. Cookies. Cat Videos. Whatever helps.

Not helpful: Intrusive or troubling contact. I’ll delete anything on either of our pages which is upsetting or inappropriate.

What's important now: Bob needs to focus on getting better and move on to the next steps in his recuperation. And no, we’re not talking about diagnoses and timelines. We know what the doctors have said. We know what we know. Anything else is conjecture and our business alone. It could have happened to anyone. It’s just happening to us. We’ll take the foamy tops of these waves off as we go surfing. This is the starting line.

We love you.

Ghosts Came In The Night

The mask is quiet,

But edges slightly closer.

I lift the black sheet up

To look underneath

And invite the black rover.



We’re tasked with giving up,

When our cup has been enough,

And age or disease takes us over.

And we meet our rub.



I library in haste

A cake seasoned to taste

All men left alone in some kind of zone

Legends fail to atone.


Trying to reason with pain

Is like trying to capture rain

Or pretending to see facts

But feeling instead emotions

You’ll never get it all,

Or feel you did it right

They’ll be no one left to haunt you

When we’re all ghosts in the night.

Art / Leaves / Katzenjammers / Xymox

 

Blip Blap Bloop

 

October to December - 2023 Highlights

 

Days of weddings, Wine and IPAs