Happy something something akimbo Xmas memory something something

Random Thoughts / OOOooooo / OOOooooo

 Augusto painted the chimney. The trim is a light shade of tan with a dark wall. He was so happy we finally got to paint. We stood there and both of us started crying because we both simultaneously knew Bob wouldn’t see it and that he had been looking forward to having the party we’d planned once the repairs were finished. Cancer fucked that up this year. Last year I got married. I’m not meant to make any sense of that polarity. Confusion reigns as it must. 

The hummingbird feeders are full and buzzing. I bought expensive cheese. I was daydreaming. I bought some boxset and tissue on Amazon. All I need is a box of red wine at this point(pint?) and some peroxide. What a Loon. 

Probably.

Stuck on my shift at the death information committee.  More files and document scanning for the lawyers. $13,000 in 30 days. Heroin is probably cheaper. My feelings are mostly in a jar. I think I worry people or trouble them with my 'stuff’, even though everyone has made it clear they are here for me. I wonder what people with good self esteem feel like? bleet bleet I know I know. 

Sometimes I’m wilding and swinging and other times I feel underwater.  I bounce back and forth between despair and grace. I’m trying to look upwards and swing a broom underneath my feet at the same time. I’m on a carousel going around a rotting old oak tree…trying to reconfigure my purpose without getting hung up on what I have to do.