Black Out / Midnight

 

My Brain / In Dreams

 The week, by most reports, has been shit. 

The wildlife and the wild life. No sleep. That's fucked up. Anxiety ridden days mixed with technicolor hallucinogenic nightmares when I do sleep. Bob is a mess and a full time caregiver situation. Everyday is a new problem. I cannot get him to actively take part in his care in private. He is a 'bad' patient by any metric. I make him set blood glucose alarms. He sets the phone to vibrate and leaves it on the bed. Some nights I find him eating ice cream in the middle of the night with a sky high reading. Some days he's barely responsive his blood sugar is so low-its been 28...borderline diabetic coma. So low I'm having to slap him awake while getting him to drink orange juice. Then I Sit there while he tells his doctor his blood glucose is 'under good control'.  Its fucking maddening. I'm working so hard to keep him alive and he's just utterly undermining efforts to take care of him. Half the time I don't know what to expect. I have to remind myself he's got brain damage. There's been radiation. Chemo too. Maybe I just need to let the old Bob go because he isn't here anymore.It feel awful saying it. the constant low grade trauma is like being cut 1000 times. The thought of dying in my sleep has crossed my mind. It's horrible even thinking it. I can't believe I am writing it down. I just wish this wasn't happening. I don't know how to help my brain. I can't hire anyone to do that. 

In the middle of the night, I woke up and wrote this:

You can

you still will

Like candles in the wind takes time

Everything you do takes time

The clock is all too familiar, and yet

blue is the color

Blue is the color of my love's heart

Upon heart

upon heart

the rest devolves into a drawing of me and Bob. 

Pulling Inches / Punches / Nudes prudes and attitude