My anxiety is through the roof right now.
So much information. Too much information. Technical. Emotional. Irrational. My brain is more spun now than it has been in a long, long time. Trying to take it all in, hold it all in or just plain make sense of it all.
I'm not sleeping. Which is making me paranoid, angry and restless during the day-making it doubly difficult to think clearly at exactly the time I most need my wits and concentration. I worry about managing my stress. I worry about getting hired. If I get hired, I worry about making mistakes that will get me fired. I worry that my inability to keep a poker face will be my undoing. I feel like a stupid little boy still. One who wasn't instilled with either much confidence nor taught to forgive himself, but was taught to see himself as broken, and that other people can see that somehow. I worry that I too angry all the time. I worry people will think I hate them. I worry that they might be right. That somehow there is not enough love in my heart to be a good enough person to help people anymore. That my bluff will be called. That people will think I am a liar. Even if I manage to get my head around the vast amount of technical knowledge that still feels unfamiliar, that this will somehow unravel into a knot.
I feel tempest tossed, lost in a storm. IN a city filled with people, I feel isolated. Burdened. Burdensome. Last night I had a dream about the black rabbit of Inlay. He asked me if I was tired. I told him I was.
